


give me something that lasts

by nebulas (strawberry_bee)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (not commited by sirius or remus), Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music, Alternate Universe - Punk, Attempted Murder, Blow Jobs, Canonical Character Death, Drug Use, F/M, HIV/AIDS, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Murder, Past Abuse, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-12 22:07:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 30,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5682535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberry_bee/pseuds/nebulas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For recent high school graduates, it appears that life has come to a complete standstill. But Remus is living on borrowed time, and wants to make something of his life before it’s over. Living in a rundown apartment with his best friend Sirius, Remus thinks he will be forever stuck in a pothole infested neighborhood. Until James gets the brilliant idea to start a punk rock band, and they are launched into a cross country tour.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Present, Tense by Martha

Sirius craned his head backwards, looking up at the stars hanging high above. His hair pooled about him, framing a strong, tightened jaw. Remus watched unabashedly as Sirius lifted his hand and ran it through his hair, wrist bone standing out starkly in the harsh moonlight as he snagged strands of hair and tucked it behind his ear. A wry smile worked its way into his features, and Remus wondered what it would be like to kiss him as he smiled like that. Instead he turned his gaze away, searching the stars for whatever Sirius found so interesting.  
Sirius suddenly turned his gaze to him, eyes dark.  
“D’you think chick fil a is still open?”  
“What?” Remus asked incredulously  
Sirius burst into laughter, nose wrinkling a little as he rested his head on his knees. His smile remained as he watched Remus for a moment, eyes flickering downwards for a moment before refocusing on his own.  
“‘M just hungry, don’t worry about it,” he replied, looking at Remus with a certain kind of unspoken fondness that made Remus’ stomach do flips.  
“C’mon, I think Taco Bell is still open.” Remus got to his feet, stretching. The cold air bit at his midriff, the sweater he wore riding up as he reached for the stars. He swung his arms down to his sides as Sirius jumped to his feet, tucking his hands under his armpits. Remus had always told Sirius that leather jackets weren’t the warmest things, but he was too stubborn to listen.  
“I call shotgun,” Sirius said, trudging his way up the sandy embankment to where their beaten down van rested on the side of the highway. Remus bit back a retort that they were the only ones here, but he didn’t want to kill the mood. He had a nasty habit of doing that.  
Remus moved around the side of the car and yanked the door open. At some point in the past, Remus didn’t need to yank his car doors open, but those days were just a distant memory. He got in, slamming the door shut in much the same violent manner before turning on the car. Beside him Sirius blew on his hands, rubbing them together.  
“It’s not that cold,” Remus grumbled, pulling off the gravel and onto the road.  
“Says you,” Sirius fired back, starting to hum a soundless tune.  
Remus listened to his friend as he drove back into Phoenix, saying goodbye to the stars and welcoming back the light pollution of the city. If only cities could be stars.  
Deep, meaningful thoughts aside, Remus pulled into the familiar parking lot of the purple monolith known as Taco Bell. It took Sirius all of a minute to wrestle himself out of the seatbelt and out into the parking lot, skidding a little on the vibrant white lines as he sprinted into the fast food place. Remus took a much more dignified approach. He slouched his way out of the car and inside, spotting the familiar face of their best friend James behind the counter.  
“Aaaand I wanna….hmmm.” Sirius had one hand on his hip, the other tapping his chin as he squinted up at the menu.  
“Sirius, I’m gonna get in tro-” James began.  
“Shush! I am concentrating.” Sirius popped his hip the other way, affecting a californian girl voice and flipped his shoulder length hair to the side. James rolled his eyes, leaning a little to the side to greet Remus.  
“What d’you want, Moony?” James asked, looking odd in the baseball cap they made him wear.  
“Uh, just the cheese quesarito, without the meat,” Remus said, tucking his hands in his pockets. “Thank you,” he added on quickly as James punched in the order.  
“Can I have one too? With the chicken though,” Sirius said, dropping the act. He offered an easy smile for James though, trying to convey that he really wasn’t trying to make life hard for him all of the time. He dug a hand into his back pocket, pulling out the torn up black leather wallet that James’ father had given him. Inside there was a worn out photo of the group, and Remus averted his eyes before Sirius could catch him peeking.  
Remus hated Sirius paying for him. It was a pride thing. But if it wasn’t the food, then it would be the gas, and then where would they be? He headed over to one of the hard plastic seats against the window, sitting down. Remus rested his head in his arms, feeling the beginnings of a headache beginning to pound behind his temples. For a while Sirius and James messed around, until James’ manager, Lily, got onto him for slacking off on the job. There was the usual hissing of soda being dispensed into cups, and then someone came in with a pair of rowdy kids, effectively drowning out Remus’ super cool spider senses. Okay, maybe his headache was worse off than before.  
The chair across from him scraped on the floor and he looked up in time to watch Sirius plop down across from him. Sirius knees brushed against his own, and he tucked his feet in self-consciously.  
“Dr Pepper?” Sirius asked, a hint of uncertainty in his tone. He set one of the cups in front of Remus sipping from his own drink.  
“Yup,” Remus said, popping the P a little at the end before taking a sip. He never got why Sirius always asked him what his favorite drink was, but it was strangely touching. Just one of his friends little tics that had never changed since the beginning of middle school.  
“Man, that boy is head over heels,” Sirius said in a stage whisper. Remus only rolled his eyes.  
“Yeah, well, we knew since biology freshman year, didn’t we?” Remus asked. It felt so strange knowing that they had graduated not even three months ago. They had all appeared to unanimously decide against college. Well, Lily was taking those online classes at the local community college, but it wasn’t like the whole exciting dorm room, first-time-away-from-home experience. Staying at home wasn’t part of her college life dream. For better or worse, they were taking a gap year all together.  
“Pssh, when he got pig heart in her hair or when she broke his nose?” Sirius asked, eyes glinting in amusement.  
“Man, Mrs. Potter was pissed when she had to get him new glass frames twice that month,” Remus said, smiling a little.  
“Hey Remus, Sirius.” Lily greeted them, walking over with their tray.  
“Aw Lily, I could’ve gotten this myself,” Sirius said, grabbing the tray as he spoke. He had one of the quesaritos open even as he spoke, checking for a moment to see that it was chicken before stuffing it in his face.  
“Charming,” Lily said, eyeing him for a moment critically before turning to Remus once more. “How’re you?” She asked, leaning on the opposite table.  
“So-so, went star-gazing with this bozo. Caught with the graveyard shift again?” Remus asked.  
“It’s a lot better than you’d think. Especially with the proper company,” Lily said off-handedly, throwing a glance back to James. The poor guy was arguing with the mother about...happy meals?  
“Mhm,” Remus said empathetically, focusing more on his quesarito. He took a bite, raising his eyebrows up at Lily. There had to be a reason she was over here.  
“Can you guys keep a secret?” Lily asked after a moment, huffing a little.  
“Of course!” Sirius intoned brightly, tilting back in his chair. If looks could kill, Remus thought.  
“I wanna get James a new guitar. Yknow, for the band idea he keeps jabbering on about,” Lily said, lowering her voice.  
“Oh! Just get ‘im one of those acoustic ones,” Sirius said loudly. Lily thwacked him over the head, and the last half of the quesarito he had in his mouth spewed into the wrapping.  
“Lily!” He complained loudly, scrunching up the spit-up food in the wrapper in distaste. He got up and stomped over to James, clearly looking for someone to pout to. Remus followed Sirius to the counter, pouting dramatically at an unamused James before focusing his attention back on Lily once more.  
“Do you think that’s really a good idea? I mean, if he didn’t hear in the first place,” Lily continued to whisper, taking Sirius’ spot at the table. Remus wondered when Lily Evans started to care about what James Potter thought of her gifts, but tonight was full of surprises.  
“Of course. He’s gotta get started somewhere, so,” Remus said, taking another massive bite.  
“I just don't know. Should I get some stickers for it? Or would he want to decorate it himself? Remus, will you go shopping with me for it tomorrow?” Lily asked, worry creeping into her voice. Remus sighed inwardly. He didn’t want to spend the entire day looking to buy something for James. In fact, that was the last on his list of things to do for the rest of his life. But Lily was special, and he tended to care for James on the rare occasion.  
“Yeah, what time?” Remus asked, before stuffing the rest of the food into his mouth, chewing it quickly as he stood.  
“Would twelve be okay? Sorry it’s so early but I got to drive Petunia to her friends at eleven, and then I have to be back here at three,” Lily said, listing off her whole day without a care.  
“Yeah, sure,” Remus said. He wiped his hands off on his jeans, following her to the front, where Sirius was lounging on the counter, looking pitiful as James was at the drive thru window.  
“Ignored for a bean and cheese burrito by my one and only friend, Jamesy,” Sirius bemoaned, sitting up and resting his head against Remus’ collarbone. Remus pointedly ignored the fact that Sirius’ hair smelled like peppermint.  
“You could get a job too,” Remus said instead. The horrified look was well worth it.  
“I dont believe in this job stuff, moony,” Sirius said. He looked away pointedly from then on.  
“We’re gonna head out now. See you tomorrow lily,” Remus said, grabbing Sirius by the cuff of his jacket. He pulled him off the counter gently.  
“Oh, are you guys going to come over for some practice?” James asked, moving away from the drive thru.  
“What time?” Remus asked. Already his entire day was filled up with everyone else's plans for him, and he couldn’t help feeling resentment build up just a little.  
“I get off at four, but eight is fine,” James said. Was Remus imagining things, or was James actually being considerate?  
“If Lily picks me up in her car, you can just take me home in an hour,” Remus said, instead. Taco Bell’s atmosphere wasn’t bad enough for him to get some reading time in, and that gave Sirius the whole day to do whatever Sirius did.  
“Mmkay, leave the most important part out,” Sirius said, grinning to show that he didn’t mean it. He turned away from them and shoved his hands in his leather jacket.  
“Oh, come on padfoot,” Remus said, using the old nickname on him to brighten up his mood just a little. He linked his arm through Sirius’, and raised his hand in farewell as he walked with his sullen friend outside.  
“I’m fine,” Sirius said softly, tearing away. He got in the passenger side without shouting shotgun, something that certainly wasn’t lost on Remus. He only rolled his eyes in response.  
The ride home was mainly quiet. Sirius kept his head rested against the windshield, long skeletal fingers drumming quietly on his knee as Remus made the way home by memory. They lived together in a rundown apartment in a rundown area by a rundown landlord. It made Remus tired to even think about it. He parked on the side of the road just across from their apartment. Someone was having a party just two doors down from them, and it appeared to be just about over. There would be no waiting to move the car closer tonight. He got out of the car slowly, feeling exhaustion finally sap at his bones as he slammed the car door shut, locking it behind him. Sirius fell into step beside him almost automatically, and they made their way across the potholed road to the other side.  
“City ever answer you about the potholes?” Sirius asked, stifling a yawn. Remus threw him a look, automatically assuming Sirius was poking fun at his determination to make the government do their jobs. But Sirius only kept his eyes downcast, long eyelashes making deep shadows on his cheekbones.  
“No, something about lack of funding,” Remus said instead, unlocking the front door. Inside the only illumination came from the lizard cage, which was Remus’ pride and joy. His name was Isaac Newt-on, and he was the fattest bearded dragon lizard the vet had ever seen. Sirius mumbled something about fucking the government before shuffling off to his room. Remus made sure to check in on Isaac, noting that he had eaten the crickets like a good lizard. He took time to check that the heating lamp was still performing its duties, before turning away to shuffle off to his bedroom. In Sirius’ room there was the familiar creak of springboards, and then a muffled ‘SHIT’.  
Remus paused in front of his doorway. Cursing softly to himself, he turned around and opened the door to Sirius’ room, poking his head in.  
“What’s the matter?” Remus asked, rubbing his eye. Sirius had on his faded plaid pajamas gifted from James’ parents last christmas, and was sitting up in his bed, clutching at his back.  
“The spring cut me,” Sirius said, drawing his hand away slick with blood.  
“Jesus Christ, why didn’t you tell me your bed was that shitty?” Remus asked, aghast. He entered the room, stepping over old records and the double bass cleverly named Bassie. He sat beside Sirius, slapping his hands away as he looked at his back.  
“Jus’ lemme see,” Remus said softly, spotting the cut right away. It was shallow, and about an inch long. But Remus knew what he had to do.  
“Aw, it’s fine. Just let me wash it off and put a bandaid on it,” Remus said lightly. He went to the bathroom and grabbed some disinfectant and a bandaid, heading back into sirius’ room. He opened the package and swabbed the cut before Sirius could complain about what was about to happen, slamming the bandaid on while Sirius was arching his back, wincing at the incredibly tiny amount of hurt happening to him.  
“Come on you drama queen, you can sleep in my bed tonight,” Remus said. He grabbed Sirius’ hand and got to his feet, pulling Sirius up along with him.  
“It’s usually not this easy to get me into bed with someone,” Sirius grumbled, following Remus into his room.  
“Mmhm,” Remus said, a teasing tone entering his voice.  
“Well, it’s not!” Sirius insisted, tearing his hand away. Still, he crawled into bed after Remus, too tired and clearly not wanting to be stabbed again to face his own bed. Remus took the only pillow, while Sirius oddly enough slept without. It was just one of the weirder things about Sirius. Like, who slept without a pillow? Sometimes Remus felt like he didn’t even know his own best friend.  
Remus lay there for awhile, staring up at the faded out glow in the dark stars that they had put up the second day they had moved in. Sirius’ breathing didn’t settle for a while, and eventually he even turned his head to gaze at Remus.  
“Moony, I--” Sirius paused, swallowing hard. Remus turned his head, wondering what had him so tongue-tied. Remus had some clever quip saved up, but suddenly he was just staring into Sirius’ eyes and they weren’t even an inch apart and- okay, yeah, he kissed his best friend.  
Remus threaded his fingers through Sirius’ long hair, pressing his lips against Sirius’ own, leaning onto his side as Sirius made a small noise in the back of his throat. He moved his lips a little, brushing his tongue against Sirius’ bottom lip, eliciting a small moan from him. Remus pulled back, eyes wide. What the fuck was he doing?  
“Shit I-I- I’m sorry, fuck.” Remus scrambled away, kicking out to get away. Sirius sat up in bed, resting his elbows on the mattress as he put his forehead on the palms of his hands.  
“N-no it’s okay. We’ve done it before. The whole kissing thing.” Sirius let out a breathy laugh, just shaken up enough to know that Remus had done something terribly wrong.  
“That was a long ass time ago, Padfoot.” Remus turned his head away, eyes burning. He didn’t want to cry, to show how upset he was.  
“Not so long ago,” Sirius protested softly, his hand coming up to rest on Remus’ shoulder. Suddenly Sirius was too close, and he didn’t know. He felt impure suddenly. Like he was doing something absolutely sinful. Leading the one he loved most into his bed and...what? Infecting him? Dooming him to a short life of misery? Remus wrenched away, and Sirius hand fell away. It was rare that Remus rejected affection or physical comfort, but the last thing he wanted was a reminder of what he could never have.  
“Yes, a very long time ago,” he snapped, and hearing Sirius’ small, hurt intake of breath, he stopped, closing his eyes and releasing a long, shuddering sigh. “Not a long time ago,” he relented. “Just. A lot has happened, Padfoot, you know that.”  
“No, I don’t.” Sirius’ voice was heated, and Remus turned towards him a little, peeking at his friend. Sirius’ face was stony, his eyes hard. Unfamiliar, in a face so quick to smile and laugh away troubles. “I know what happened, Moony, I know what’s wro--I know what’s up with you, okay, I know what happened, and it isn’t too much or whatever you’re torturing yourself thinking it is. It isn’t a burden or a ‘poison’ or whatever else--”  
“Stop,” Remus whispered, pressing his face into his hands, his fingers digging into his scalp. “You don’t know,” his voice was quiet, vicious. “You don’t know, so just stop.”  
“What? I don’t know what it’s like to be sent away? I don’t know what it’s like for my parents to be ashamed of me? I don’t know--”  
“You don’t know what it’s like to be diseased, Sirius!” He hissed. “You don’t know what it’s like to know--” to know that you’ll never be loved, a cruel, familiar voice supplied in his head, and he shuddered, trying to keep his tears at bay.  
He could feel Sirius go quiet next to him, and when he felt his friend’s hand on his shoulder again, he didn’t move away. “I’m sorry,” he said. “You aren’t diseased, Moony. You’re sick, it’s not your fault.”  
“Yeah, it is,” he snorted. “I was young and dumb and I thought ‘hey, it’s a dude, so obviously I don’t have to wrap it’ and I was so desperate to prove that I was into someone who wasn’t you that I just--I didn’t think. I didn’t think and now,” his voice broke, and he swallowed hard. “And now.”  
“And just like then, you aren’t alone,” Sirius whispered. “I--you aren’t ready. That’s okay, Moony. I’ll be here.” After a moment’s hesitation, his other hand rested on Remus’s other shoulder, pulling him back towards bed. “Come on. Come back to bed, Remus, it’s okay.”  
God, how Remus wanted that to be true. Yet he found himself following his friend’s hands easily onto the mattress. He turned away from Sirius, and finally safe from prying eyes, he allowed silent tears to roll down his cheeks, feeling Sirius’s arm loop around his stomach and his chest become flush with Remus’ back. Like a wretch, he had fallen back into Sirius’ arms. He was never strong enough to not hurt the ones he loved. Because he was undoubtedly selfish. Undoubtedly a coward.  
The scene was, all together, too familiar to one just six months ago--Remus had donated blood to the school blood drive, and a few weeks later, he’d been called in to speak with a few representatives from the blood bank. They’d tested the blood he donated, they said, and they’d found it to be HIV positive.  
They gave him a pamphlet and a spiel about treatments and opportunities, they told him that with the proper treatment he could live almost a normal lifespan. Evidently, since he was a minor, they’d sent a letter home to his parents, and they hadn’t reacted well when he told them, more or less, how he’d contracted it--he’d met a boy at a party, and he hadn’t been careful enough. It was like he had lost the one right he thought he had from birth. On the verge of adulthood, his dreams of immortality that only youth have were twisted away from him.  
That same night, he’d turned up outside Sirius’ window with all his stuff in a few bags, his eyes red and puffy, cheeks slick and sticky with tear tracks. Sirius let him in without a second thought, and when Remus found his voice too weak to explain, he simply pulled the crumpled lab results he’d been given from his bag and pushed them into Sirius’ waiting hands.  
His best and nearly only friend was quiet for a long time after that, and then his arms came up around Remus. “We can figure it out,” he’d whispered, uncharacteristically serious. “Treatment can’t be that expensive--”  
“It is,” Remus interrupted, hands clenched in his lap. “I--my parents threw me out, Padfoot,” he gestured at his bags. “They threw me out, I don’t have insurance or money or anything.” Sirius’ arms tightened around him. “The woman at the clinic said that--that I’m in clinical latency now. It’s the second stage--remember how I was so sick for nearly a month?” Sirius nodded. Remus chuckled brokenly. “That was, uh. The acute infection stage. Shit was going crazy, the virus was propagating really quickly. And now, it’s leveled out, sort of.”  
“How long does it last?” Sirius whispered, so softly. It nearly broke his heart to think of it now.  
“Without treatment, ten years, maybe, but I’m guessing with my new street urchin lifestyle, that’s a pretty optimistic bet,” Remus shook his head. “It’s gonna be hard to stay vegan.”  
“And--and after that?” Sirius gave him a look that clearly said, we’ll talk about the vegan thing later.  
“After that is AIDS,” he said in a rush. “Which--ya know. Optimistically, without treatment, I have three years after that.”  
“Jesus,” Sirius’ voice was rough. “Thirteen years?”  
“If I’m lucky,” Remus tried to sound cheerful, but it just sounded melancholy. Everything had felt like spectral caricatures of themselves then. The shadows too long, the light of the moon too short.  
“We’ll figure out a way to get you treatment,” Sirius told him confidently. “We’ll talk to Prongs and Wormtail, and between the four of us, we can find a way.”  
Remus choked back a sob. “You’re cute, Padfoot,” he squeezed his eyes shut. “Real cute.”  
“Hey,” Sirius snapped, turning Remus to face him. “We’re gonna, okay? We’ll figure this out. We won’t let you waste away like, like fuckin’ Pittsburgh or something.”  
“The movie’s called Philadelphia,” Remus reminded him absently, preoccupied with how close Sirius had accidentally pulled him. His eyes were deep and dark, like the empty part of the sky, eyes reflecting pinpricks of light like stars. Long lashes cast a shadow on his high cheekbones, inky hair framing his face like a work of art, and Remus swallowed hard past his desire.  
“Oh, shut up, Moony,” Sirius sounded far away, staring right back at Remus. “I won’t let anything happen to you,” he whispered. They were leaning closer almost unconsciously, drawn together as if by magnetic force, and then their lips met, the barest, softest brush at first, then Sirius pulled back a bit, mouth open just slightly. Remus didn’t hesitate for a moment before advancing, lips crashing into Sirius’ roughly, his hands coming up to cradle his face. He bit lightly at Sirius’ lip, shivering at the feeling of the man he’d desired for years and years moaning into his mouth. The moment was perfect, so perfect, even if it was nowhere near how Remus had imagined it, and he was lost in it, until he felt Sirius’ warm hands at his hips, pulling his shirt up.  
The heat of his fingers was a shock against his cold skin, and Remus jerked away, coming back to himself.  
“No,” he said, voice hoarse. “No. No, we can’t--I can’t,” he scrambled away, eyes wide and panicky, the clinic woman’s voice loud in his head, highly transmittable at all three stages, she’d told him that even with protection he risked infecting his partner and--  
“Remus, what’s wrong?” Sirius reached for him, and Remus flinched back.  
“I--we can’t, Sirius. I can’t do this, okay? I can’t do this to you,” his voice was shaking, and he kept his gaze resolutely averted from Sirius’.  
“Do what to me, Moony?” Sirius sounded upset and desperate, and Remus longed to do whatever it took to erase that from him, but he couldn’t. Anything he did would just make everything worse.  
“I just can’t, Sirius,” he whispered.  
After a moment, Sirius nodded in Remus’ periphery. “Okay,” he agreed. “I won’t--obviously I won’t push you.”  
They sat there, in quiet, heavy silence, until Sirius got off the bed, turning off his light, and climbed back into bed. He pushed at Remus gently until he moved over, sliding to the other edge of the bed and curling into himself. Sirius cradled him in his arms, and they both pretended that he couldn’t feel Remus crying against him.  
A lot of things had changed since then--Remus had stayed with the Potters until graduation, and then Sirius’ parents had more or less offered a stipend in exchange for him staying away from the family, and not continuing to embarrass them among the other aristocratic elites of the city. Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter agreed among themselves to take a gap year; Sirius and Remus found a shitty apartment in an awful neighborhood that Sirius’ monthly stipend more or less payed for.  
Other things hadn’t changed at all. Remus still wasn’t getting treatment, his parents still weren’t speaking to him, and he and Sirius still pretended that they had never kissed. Until tonight, it seemed.  
Remus fell asleep much the same way he had that first night: eyes sticky and glued shut with tears, enveloped in Sirius’ delicate but distinctly masculine scent, with a brand new weight in his chest and the knowledge that nothing could ever be the same again.

 

Sirius woke briefly when Remus untangled himself from his arms. Sirius chose to shove his head into Remus’ pillow instead of saying goodbye to him, too exhausted to face the day.  
He must have slept only an hour more, but that was more than enough for the sun to make its slow arc across Remus’ room and strike his eyes. Sirius woke up, back arching as he stretched for half a minute. He collapsed back onto the bed, surrounded by the familiar smell of Remus, and hating how safe it made him feel. He hauled himself to a sitting position, groaning loudly. It must have only been ten in the morning, but it felt like he had just fallen asleep. He shuffled into his room, grabbing a change of clothes before heading back into the bathroom Remus and he shared.  
He took a shower and shaved, humming tunelessly as he went about his morning chores. He did the laundry and washed what dishes they had. They would have to stop eating out soon, it was too much money, and the monthly amount from his parent’s certainly wasn’t going to last for much longer. Guilt only lived for so long in his family, especially after his mom got around to figuring out a way to telling all her friends what had happened to her poor sweet son gone astray.  
In fact, what were he and Remus, anyway? Remus was always initiating these kisses, all rough and passionate, before bailing out at the last moment. He brushed his fingertips against his lips absently as he tried to settle on what should be done. Well, if Remus was gonna be the dramatic shit, then he could have all the angst over this, too. He pulled a hair tie off of his wrist and flicked his head forwards, gathering it all in a neat ponytail in the back that he twisted into a bun. He wore the best jeans he had, which was really saying something, and a button down shirt that was technically Remus’. But they had lived together for about a year now, and it was like they had the same wardrobe anyways.  
Now he had to do the unthinkable. Get a job. But there were great sacrifices for the ones you loved, and Sirius knew he would have to buckle down for a minimum wage job just to even try and start paying for Remus’ medication.  
Sirius grabbed his phone on the way out as an afterthought. Remus’ car was still there, so he supposed Lily had picked him up. But Remus never left his keys at home, because Sirius didn’t know how to drive anything but a motorcycle. Speaking of, he wasn’t exactly sure if Remus had actually even gotten his driver’s license yet anyways. Sirius tilted his head down to look at his phone as he walked, stepping automatically over the potholes.  
He created a list of all the nearby businesses hiring in his phone, and shoved it in his pocket before lifting his head. First off was Arby’s.  
He drifted from place to place, picking up applications where he could, before parking himself in front of a Sonic. He spent half an hour each on the written forms, trying to remember what worth he had as a public servant as he went down the categories. About halfway through his phone began to buzz, saving him from trying to figure out what his greatest strength was. (He was stuck between ‘high pain tolerance,’ and ‘Capable of staying up for days at a time.’)  
“Hello?” Sirius answered, pressing the phone to his ear as he went back to the applications.  
“Hey, Padfoot, I’m on break right now, but Lily should be back in two hours or so,” James said, tinny taco bell music in the background.  
“Didja call me just to talk to me about Lily’s work schedule?” Sirius asked, brows rising a little in shock. He knew James had it bad for Lily, but honestly. Even Sirius wasn’t this bad with Remus!  
“No, actually. Lily texted me saying Remus was really upset about something.”  
Oh. So that was it. Sirius swallowed hard, taking a moment to find the words.  
“Yeah. He kissed me again. Then told me it wasn’t gonna happen,” Sirius said, voice sounding strange and rigid to even himself. James whistled on the other end.  
“That sucks, bro,” James said empathetically.  
“I know,” Sirius said. He lifted his head and gazed at the row of cars parked in front of the greasy sonic, the light reflecting harshly on the metallic surfaces and hurting his eyes.  
“Anyway, I’m looking for a job,” he said.  
“Oh, really? Did your parents, er-” James began.  
“No, no, nothing like that,” Sirius said quickly, laughing. It was just like James to jump to the worst case scenario. “I’m, er, gonna try and help Remus pay for his medicine. Or at least make a dent in it.”  
“You know he won’t ever accept the money,” James pointed out, and Sirius could just see him now, pushing his glasses up by his thumb, looking at Sirius like he was some sad lovesick puppy.  
“Yeah, well, I’m doing it anyways,” Sirius said. He hated that he was right. If Remus was just a bit more accepting, and hell, a bit more nicer, life would be so much easier for himself.  
“Where have you looked so far?” James asked, changing the subject. Sirius was all too happy to comply, glad to see that James was at the very least humoring him. But ten minutes was only ten minutes, and after swearing not to tell Remus about Sirius’ job hunt, James hung up with a promise to come and pick him up with Remus before they headed over to his place.  
He spent the later part of his afternoon answering the application forms, buying a cherry slushy from one of the sonic workers before starting his circuit back down the fast food places he had picked up forms from. Today by all means was a good day, all things considered. And if he hurried home, he would have enough time to practice on Bassie for an hour before he had to pack her up before heading to James’.  
But alas, the stars were not in favor that day. He hardly noticed the atmosphere of the Chick Fil A he had entered, but the second he saw Bellatrix’s familiar frizzy hair walking towards him in the reflection of the glass windows, he seriously wondered if he could throw the slushy in her face and get away in time before she murdered him.  
“Hey cuz,” Bellatrix said in a singsong voice, perching herself on the counter of the Chick Fil A. The poor guy looked harassed as he opened his mouth for her to please get off of the counter.  
“Hey Bellatrix,” Sirius said, turning away and starting to walk off. Cherry flavor wasn’t bad enough to waste on the likes of her.  
“Is that all you’ve got for family? Just a jaunty hello and not even a goodbye?” Bellatrix demanded, voice rising shrilly as she sped up to intercede him. Sirius winced a little, knowing that she could make a scene in five minutes flat that could get him kicked from all Chick Fil A’s nationally.  
“Sorry, I was just. Throwing this away,” Sirius said lamely, moving past her to throw away his half finished slush. It was too bad, he really wanted to finish that.  
“Coooome on, Siri, what’s with the long face?” Bellatrix continued, grabbing his arm and dragging him to the table. His other cousin, Narcissa was there, looking pallid as she picked at her chicken sandwich.  
“Look who came up from the gutters,” Bellatrix said, laughing as she dug her nails into Sirius arm. He sat obediently, throwing a dirty look at her as she pulled up a chair.  
“Hello, Sirius. Still living with that faggot?” Narcissa said nonchalantly, eyes flickering up to lock with his before dropping his gaze once more. Sirius ground his teeth a little.  
“Yes, I am,” Sirius said finally. And I’m in faggot-love with him too, cuz. he thought, biting back the retort.  
“Oh, Narcissa, don’t tease him. We’ve all got our phases,” Bellatrix said, pulling one of her long black curls out and in front of her face, tugging on it gently.  
“If he would just come home, then we could drop the whole matter,” Narcissa said distastefully, finally pushing the sandwich away. It had barely a bite taken out of it, and Sirius could guess at why his cousin was so pale and skeletal.  
“Are you still starving yourself for that Lucius creep?” Sirius asked, horrified.  
“It’s none of your business,” Narcissa said, voice tight as she got to her feet and walked off, to the bathroom.  
“That’d be a yes, by the way,” Bellatrix said, giggling as she picked up her sisters sandwich. She took a big bite, chewing with exaggerated motions.  
“Bellatrix, she could die. That isn’t a fucking joke, what she’s got,” Sirius snapped, sitting up straight in his chair as he turned to her.  
“Pssh, it’s true love. It’s not like you know anything about that,” Bellatrix said offhandedly, flicking a crumb of bread at him.  
“No, I wouldn't. Not if it means being abused like that,” He said.  
“Don’t you get it? She’s starving herself to be a good housewife for him. For fuck sakes Sirius, I thought you were smarter than that,” Bellatrix said, taking another large bite of the sandwich.  
“It’s still abuse. How many comments a day does he make about her weight? God, I thought she’d dump him after high school,” Sirius leaned back in his seat, rubbing his eyes.  
“If she had a better male role model in her life, maybe,” Bellatrix said. “But Regulus is too young, and still in high school.” Her voice dropped a little as she spoke, just enough to get under his skin.  
Regulus. The little brother that he had left while Regulus was just in the middle of his eighth grade year. To a drunk father, and a crazed mother. He couldn’t do it- he had to get out. And his mother had enough guilt driving her firstborn out that she still sent checks every month, but how long would that last? Probably until Regulus graduated, and then she would send him a letter stating she simply couldn’t pick between his college and Sirius’ rent.  
“How is he doing?” Sirius asked softly.  
“Why should you care, you’re the one who ran awa--”  
“God damn it, how is he?” Sirius shouted, slamming his hand on the table. He hated his family, he hated that he had to choose. He hated that he left, and he hated knowing it was necessary. He froze. She had gotten him to yell, to be like his father. Sirius slouched in his seat, feeling the guilt and shock roil in him. He hated raising his voice.  
“Oh, he’s fine, just getting off the drink, y’know!” Bellatrix called to the worker just coming over to them. She turned her attention back to Sirius, a small all too familiar smile spreading across her features.  
“He’s doing alright. Joined the football team. He’s a linebacker, but he’s not off the bench all that much,” Bellatrix said. She began to tear at a straw wrapper methodically, destroying it bit by bit.  
“Thats...that’s good.” Sirius said. He was linebacker in high school as well, but he had been off the bench more often than not. But still, his father couldn’t turn his nose up at that. He wondered if he still liked Pokemon, or still had that cat named Snuffles.  
“Hey Cissy, I think it’s time we headed back.” Bellatrix said, rising to her feet suddenly. Narcissa returned to them, grabbing her coat and bag stiffly. She smelled faintly of vomit and hand soap. Sirius couldn’t bear to look at her.  
“Bye, Narcissa. Bellatrix,” Sirius said, eyes downcast.  
“What a party pooper,” Bellatrix laughed shrilly, sauntering out with a jaunty bounce in her stride. Narcissa rested her hand on his shoulder for one short moment.  
“Don’t be a stranger. Regulus does miss you,” she said softly, dropping a slip of a paper on the table before walking out after her sister.  
Sirius stared at the slip of paper for a long time. He knew that it was probably a number to some gay conversion hot-line. But he just...couldn’t help hoping. He knew if he asked, he could probably get James to do it. James never seemed to be phased by anything Sirius’ family did to him. Maybe it was all a front, but Sirius appreciated it if it was, and he was more than willing to buy into the act. But the slip mocked him, and if he had James call first, Regulus might not answer another unknown number.  
He flipped over the paper and quickly tapped in the phone number scrawled on the other side into his phone before he could rethink it. He debated forgetting the whole thing, but before he knew it he was on his feet and outside, having thrown out the garbage his cousins had left behind. He kept the paper tucked away in his back pocket as he pressed the phone to his ear.  
It rang several times, before a voice picked up.  
“Hello?” The voice asked, strangely deep. But there was a hint of his little brother’s familiar tone, and Sirius swallowed hard. It wouldn’t be good to cry on the phone. Regulus might block the number.  
“H-hey. It’s uh. Huh. It’s Sirius,” he said finally, kicking a rock into the street as he walked away from the fast food place.  
“Oh. What’s up, I guess?” Regulus asked. Awkwardness was palpable in his tone as he spoke, and Sirius’ stomach twisted guiltily. He was the older brother. He was supposed to be there for him. Several seconds passed, the static buzz of the phone filling in the shared silence.  
“I-I’m looking for a job. Nothing fancy. Still living with Remus, the one who helped you make your solar system model,” Sirius said, in a rush. He wanted Regulus to remember the Remus with thick nerdy glasses that had stayed over the night before the project was due, getting yellow paint on his nose as he worked tirelessly to paint the sun in time so it could dry.  
“The one that got an A?” Regulus said, and Sirius could tell he was smiling through the phone. Sirius beamed.  
“Yeah, and then we blew it up with fireworks.” Sirius responded, remembering the late August day.  
“Is it true? About Remus?” Regulus asked, and suddenly the trace of laughter in his voice was gone. Sirius wondered what lies his parents had filled his mind with. What he believed. But he couldn’t lie now, it had been years. And he owed it to him.  
“Yeah.” Sirius said finally. “He’s gay.”  
“Are you?” He asked.  
Sirius froze on the sidewalk. Why was this the conversation they had to have? What did he expect, anyway? He tilted his head back and looked up at the pale blue sky, cold in only the way that January could be.  
“Yeah.” He said, so soft that the dialtone nearly deafened him with its response.


	2. Chapter 2

Remus stepped out of Lily’s car, taking a moment to duck back in and grab his worn out leather satchel. It was heavily beat up, but it still carried the books he wanted, and that was good enough for him. Lily was already opening the trunk to grab James’ new guitar. Well, sort of new. They had gotten it secondhand, but it was well cared for, and barely held any scratches. The door opened to the Taco Bell, and James emerged. 

“Hey Lils!” He greeted warmly. Remus shut the car door, feeling very much like the third wheel all of a sudden. 

“I got you something, but you have to close your eyes,” Lily said. She slammed the trunk shut just before James could round the corner. With all of her five foot two might, she squared her shoulders and glared up at him. 

“Okay, okay,” James said instead, and obediently shut his eyes. Or at least Remus thought he did. He was trying to give them their own space without actually going inside. He wondered if he was supposed to do that. While he was caught up in the etiquette of being a third wheel, the trunk unlocked once more. 

“Okie doke, you can open your eyes now,” Lily said, voice taut with excitement. 

“Oh, is that-Lily!” James exclaimed, and Remus glanced over. James was halfway into the trunk, unlocking the guitar case. Lily stood beside him, beaming. Remus gave her a quick thumbs up, smiling a little himself. They deserved good things. Remus turned his head away. He wondered how Sirius would react if he got him a new bass, if he would be so effervescent and pleased. If he would smile at Remus like that. He bit his lip instead, deciding stubbornly to not mope. 

“It’s absolutely wonderful, thank you,” James said, and shut the trunk door. Remus glanced over once more to see James open his arms up for a friendly hug, and for Lily to crash into him. Remus dropped his head once more. Oh, yeah, they  _ totally  _ didn’t have a thing for each other. He shook his head and went inside. 

The Taco Bell was slightly warmer than the outdoors, but not by much. Remus picked a little niche in the corner, accepting his fate of bad music and poor lighting as he pulled out one of his favorite books, Peter Green’s biography of Alexander the Great, lovingly dogeared and highlighted by Remus over the years. After some time, Lily and James came back in, but he barely glanced up. 

“Hey Moony, ready to go?” James said, sitting on the edge of the table. He also effectively blocked the light, so his eyes skipped over what the final sentence had to say. 

“Er, yeah. Hang on.” He went back and reread it before pushing it back into his satchel. He stood up, and James hopped to his feet. He had changed out of his taco bell uniform into a red flannel, looking more like the same old James before they turned into big responsible adults with capital-r Responsibilities. 

“Peter just got back from his grandparents today, he might come over for practice,” James said, waving goodbye to Lily. Remus pushed ahead and out the door, pretending not to notice James turn his head a little to make a heart shape with his hands at Lily before turning right back around. 

“Are you guys dating yet?” Remus asked grumpily. It seemed like every time they were about to, James or Lily held out. Remus thought it was because Sirius had told him about their bet. Sirius thought they wouldn’t get their heads outta their asses until they were twenty one, but Remus had thought they would be together as soon as they got out of high school. 

“What do you mean?” James asked, looking at him strangely as he unlocked his car. Remus stared at him for a long moment. 

“Are you saying-” Remus started.

James nodded, grinning like an idiot. 

“What the fuck, how long? Why didn’t you tell me?” Remus yelled, grinning at his best friend. Suddenly it seemed like everything was okay, and eternity reigned before them, long and lasting as love worked itself out finally. 

“Come on, I’ll tell you on the way,” James said instead, getting into the car. Remus climbed right in, rushing to put the seatbelt on. James peeled out of the parking lot, and Remus checked the rearview mirror. The guitar case was strapped in.

“We started dating about a month ago. But we didn’t really want to tell anyone just yet. You know, in case it hadn’t worked out, or if we decided it would be better to wait.” James explained. he tapped his fingers against the wheel, the only outward sign of just how ecstatic he was. He gunned it as the light turned green, and Remus remembered why he hated anyone else driving besides Lily. 

“How’d your parent’s take it?” Remus asked. 

“They absolutely love her. I mean, they think the whole arranged marriage thing is a bit old fashioned anyway. And I think dad hinted that Lily was the perfect match for me anyways,” James said, happily. 

“I’m really happy for you man. I swear, Sirius and I had half a mind to lock you two in a room and leave you to figure things out,” Remus half-joked. 

“Was it really that bad?” James said, a touch self-consciously. 

“Oh, Prongs, the lovesick eyes were overkill everyday in algebra,” Remus shook his head, smiling despite himself. 

“Shut up,” James said, turning his head to hide his smile. They fell into a bit of a silence, having no need to continue. The air settled down around them, and with it thoughts went back to reality. 

“Have you heard from Sirius today?” Remus asked finally. It wasn’t like him to not send him a text every now and then, but there had been complete radio silence. 

“Yeah, he called me around my break. He was out walking around town or something, and he said he’d still be by the sonic by your guys’ apartment,” James said, craning his neck to check out the Sonic as he spoke. 

“Mm,” Remus said, chewing on his nails absently. 

“He seemed upset about something,” James continued, sitting back in his seat. He said it so carelessly, and yet it still stung a little. James almost never beat around the bush unless it was serious. 

“We uh. Got into a bit of a fight last night, that’s all,” Remus said. 

“Lily and I have our own bet going,” James said softly, and the subject was dropped. 

Remus felt that it would be so very easy to hate James, in that moment. 

“I don’t see Sirius anywhere. Could you call him?” James asked, pulling into the Sonic. Remus called Sirius instead. 

“Wassup?” Sirius answered, sounding groggy. 

“Where are you? You said you’d be at Sonic,” Remus said, looking out at the menu with 63 different flavors. 

“Oh uh, I forgot I wanted to bring Bassie, so I walked back,” Sirius said. His tone was a little off, but Remus let it go. It probably wasn’t fun talking to someone who kissed you twice and rejected you right after both times. Remus ground his teeth together a little. What kind of person was he to constantly string Sirius along like this? 

“Okay. Er, we’ll be over soon. Want a cherry slush?” He asked, glancing at James. He was watching him, eyebrows raised a little in question. 

“No, no. Uh, I had one earlier. See ya soon,” Sirius said, and hung up. 

“He forgot his bass.” Remus said, shoving his phone into his pocket and rested his head against the headrest. He wondered why poor people didn’t get to have retractable car roofs. If the sky was for everybody, then everyone deserved retractable roofs.

“Okay,” James said after a moment, shifting the car into gear and sped out of the parking lot. They drove in silence, except for the occasional jerk as James carelessly ran over a pothole. He pulled to a stop, and Remus unbuckled himself. 

“I’ll go grab him. Do you want anything from inside?” He asked, opening the car door. James shook his head and he got out, shivering a little as the cold air went right through his layers of clothes. He hurried around James’ car and up the sidewalk, fumbling with his keys before finally entering.

Sirius sat on the couch with Newton resting on his chest. They were staring at each other, for god knows how long. Remus cleared his throat.

“Am I. Er, interrupting something?” He asked. Sirius turned to Remus and grinned lopsidedly. 

“Nah, we were having a talk,” Sirius picked up the lizard before sitting up. “Newt says you give him too many calcium crickets.” He went over and set Newt back into his cage, with the utmost care. That was the thing about Sirius. Sometimes he’d walk in on Sirius talking softly to Newt, and when he spotted Remus watching him, he’d just wink at Remus and tell him it was a matter between the two of them. 

God, he was in love.

“Yeah, well, he needs them,” Remus said, with the superior tone of a mother instructing her child. He went into Sirius’ room and picked up Bassie, settling her in her case. Sirius came in halfway through to stand in the doorway, watching. Remus paid him no mind. If he could watch Sirius doing inane tasks, then it should only be fair he could do the same back. 

“Are you gonna play your accordion tonight?” Sirius asked finally. Remus glanced up, snapping the case shut. Sirius’ bun was clearly falling out, and a few pieces of black hair fell just right to frame his face. 

“Uhm.” He said, cleverly. 

“Uhm.” Sirius said right back, scrunching up his nose and laughing a little. 

“Asshole. Yeah, I am,” Remus said, grinning despite himself. Sirius stepped out of the room and went into Remus’, grabbing the little accordion case that doubled as a backpack. Together they walked out of the apartment, carrying the others’ instruments. Remus stopped to shut off the lights and lock the front door to follow Sirius down to James’ car. 

“Hey Sirius, guess what,” Remus said, opening the back door to get James’ guitar unbuckled. 

“What?” Sirius asked, sliding into the front seat. 

“Lily and James are finally an item,” Remus said, grinning lopsidedly. Sirius shouted and converged on James, drawing him into a headlock as he shouted incoherently about how he lost twenty dollars over this. 

Remus ducked back out of the car, dragging the guitar case out of the backseat as carefully as possible. He opened the trunk and slid the guitar in, heeding James warning about not getting a scratch on it. He shut the trunk and rested his hand on the cool metal for a moment, looking up at the pearlescent crescent moon that was following the final streaks of the sunset. He shook his head a little, going back into the car. He managed to pull Sirius’ bass in after him, and shut the door gently.

“Can we listen to uhm.” Sirius was in the middle of fixing his bun, and James was flipping through a bunch of channels. 

“NPR,” Remus filled in, ignoring Sirius’ groan of annoyance. 

“It’s important for you to be well rounded, Sirius,” Remus said sagely as James immediately flipped to the channel. They fist bumped while Sirius slouched in the front seat. James jerked the steering wheel just in time to avoid driving into the ditch, nearly running over a cat as he did so. Remus wondered how James even managed to get his driver's licence. 

In any case, they didn’t get in a car wreck on the way to James’ place, and that was enough for Remus at the moment. The familiar two story home that had housed all three of them at various points stood apart from the rest of the surrounding suburb. Maybe it was the skateboard that was stuck horizontally into the side of the house, or the bad paint job that colored it a horrible off shade of green. The four of them spent three days on painting it, and the Potters still hadn’t the heart to hire actual professional painters to redo their gaudy work.

It was good to be home. 

They converged into the warm house, calling out excited hellos to Mr. and Mrs. Potter as they treked down to the basement. Remus liked the Potters. They had taken in two homeless teenagers, and it was also really cool of them to let them practice their music downstairs. They truly were saints. 

The downstairs was a stale affair. There was a secondhand drumkit in the corner, without it’s own drummer just yet. On a wooden stool laid Peter’s instruments, which consisted of a tambourine, a recorder, and a harmonica. Anything beyond those, and Peter was a lost cause to everyone around him. 

Remus went automatically to the torn up couch that had found its final resting place down there. James flicked on the luminescent lights, and there was a hesitation in the ancient bulbs before they slowly flickered on. He began to unpack his accordion, and James went about lovingly opening up his guitar case. The guitar had the uniform pale wooden color, and it had someone’s initials scrawled in on the back. But it was the perfect price for Lily to buy it and still afford to restring it at a neighboring music store. 

Sirius, on the other hand, clanged his bass case open with a flourish, revealing his great love of six year, a gift from his parents when he first started orchestra in the seventh grade. Somewhere on that instrument, James’, Sirius’, Peter’s and his names were lovingly scratched into the richly finished wood. Sirius had insisted upon it. Now he tugged it out of the case, not harshly, but certainly not as careful as he could have been. He set it aside and unclasped the bow, running rosin lovingly on the strings once, twice, and then put the rosin back away. 

Remus strapped on the accordion and stood up, craning his back to compensate for how heavy the instrument was. James sat on the edge of the couch tuning his instrument, and Sirius plucked at his instrument a few times. 

“When will Peter be over?” Remus asked, pressing the small circular buttons on his instrument and opening the instrument to release a slow, strenuous melody. 

“Uh, any time now.” James said, glancing up momentarily before going back to the guitar. 

“Hey, Rem, do you mind getting the violin for a bit?” Sirius asked, gesturing to the violin that Remus kept at James’ place. That’s how they met, Sirius and him anyways. Orchestra would’ve been hell without Sirius. Remus unstrapped himself from the accordion and set it aside before going to get the violin. A light dust coated the case, and Remus felt a stab of guilt, remembering all the countless orchestra teachers that would be horrified at the fact that he had neglected to play for so long, and hadn’t even brought it to his and Sirius’ place when he left the Potter’s. 

James and Sirius warmed up as Remus tuned his instrument, wincing every time the violin gave a deathly offtune note. Eventually he got the hang of it, and stood, resting the instrument on his shoulder, resting his chin on the little divet of black plastic, and brought his bow up to the strings. He ran the bow down the string gently, letting it sing.

“You guys ready?” James asked, standing up. He strummed his guitar absently, running through the chords as he glanced from Sirius to him. 

“Course,” Sirius said, standing from the couch and leaning against his bass. He left the bow on the ground, instead electing to pluck the instrument. 

“Whenever you are,” Remus nodded to James. The doorbell rang upstairs.

“God damn it,” James complained, lifting the guitar strap over his head as he ran upstairs. Sirius only laughed a little bit, setting the bass against the chair. 

“D’you mind stepping outside with me for a sec?” Sirius asked, shoulders slouching a bit. Gone was his careless attitude, and in its place was someone that looked by all means just a little bit shell shocked. 

“‘Course.” Remus said, setting the violin down by the case before following Sirius out the sliding doors. Sirius waited until he was outside before shutting the door. He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, opening it. There was only two others missing before Sirius snapped it closed again, pulling a light out of his other pocket.

“Shut up,” Sirius said to Remus’ judging look as he put the cigarette to his lips, and lit it, cupping the flame from the gentle breeze. 

“Why the hell are you smoking again?” Remus demanded, having a half a mind to snatch the damned stick from Sirius’ lips and crush it in the sand. 

“Ah, what the hell do you care? You’ve got thirteen years to live,” Sirius said bitterly, taking a long drag and blowing the smoke sky high. 

“What the fuck is your problem?” Remus said, grabbing Sirius by his shirt and drew him from the sliding doors. He held his shirt in a fist, staring into Sirius’ face, trying to discern from his eyes what was going on.

“Fuck off, man.” Sirius shoved Remus away roughly. 

“Is this why you brought me out here? To show off shaving years off your life?” Remus shouted, crossing his arms.

“Oh, yeah. You know me, always looking for a way to get under your damned skin,” Sirius said. He turned away as he walked further into the backyard, his left arm held loosely at his side as his other drew up once more to take a drag. Remus sat there fuming. 

“What happened to you today? Why are you acting like this?” Remus demanded, following right at his feet. Sirius wheeled around, anger clear under his face. 

“Maybe I’m tired of being something you kiss every few months. I threw my family away because of you,” Sirius snarled, advancing on Remus. He held his ground.

“What the fuck are you talking about? You ran away because you were too afraid to stand up to your father,” Remus scoffed. Immediately shock crossed over Sirius’ face, and Remus knew he had gone too far. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.” Sirius turned away, discarding the butt of his cigarette into the sand. Remus absently reached out and toed it out.  

“Padfoot, I-” Remus began.

“Don’t  _ Padfoot  _ me,” Sirius snapped. But the venom was out of it, and Remus was able to grab his shoulder, to turn him back to face him. 

“I-I didn’t mean it, Sirius I fucked up, okay?” Remus hesitated, before cupping Sirius’ face in his hands. He tried to get Sirius to look at him, but he only adverted his gaze. “I know you’re not a coward.”

“Is this all I am to you? Some fucking, I don’t know, emotional punching bag?” Sirius let out finally. He lifted his arm and rubbed the tears out of his eyes stubbornly. 

“No, no, of course not,” Remus said quickly, words falling out uselessly to land on deaf ears. He drew Sirius into a hug, desperate to fix things. Sirius clasped him tight, hiding his face in his shoulder.

“I saw my cousins today,” Sirius said finally, after several minutes had passed. 

“Oh.” Remus’ voice was soft, and Sirius drew away. He wiped at his eyes with a thumb, giving a small little smile. 

“Narcissa is still starving herself for Lucius. And uh. Bellatrix is still her delightful self,” he laughed a little, trying to show to Remus,  _ See, i’m brushing it off. Just like I’ll brush off the kiss. And this. _

“But uhm. That’s not the point,” Sirius continued, looking down at the ground. It was an old habit that only arose anymore when he was trying to get something out, before it strangled him first. 

“What is it? You can tell me,” Remus said softly, cupping Sirius’ chin and lifting it a little. Sirius pulled out of the gesture, stepping further back from Remus. 

“I called Regulus. Well. Uh, Narcissa gave me his number. But anyways. I called him, and it seemed like life was doing okay for him and-” Sirius broke off, lifting his head to lock eyes with Remus, just the least bit defiant. 

“I told him you were gay, yeah? And he was fine with it. And then he asked me, if-if i was like that? And you know what I said Moony? I said ‘ _ yeah’ _ because for the past six years i’ve been trying to shake you, and here we are. He hung up on me, you know. I just shot any chance of having a relationship with my brother to hell, for  _ you _ ,” Sirius said in a rush, words tumbling out and striking Remus one by one. 

“And you know what? It wasn’t fucking worth it,” Sirius said finally, in a tone so soft and full of fuming anger, Remus stepped back. 

“I...I’m sorry,” Remus said softly, dumbstruck. 

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Everyone’s sorry for it. My mom and dad sure are,” Sirius said, shoulders slouching. He pulled out another cigarette, and this time Remus didn’t even start to think of pulling it out of his hands. 

“My little brother too. What are big brothers for, but to protect their siblings from monsters?” Sirius continued, taking a lungful of smoke. He lapsed into silence, craning his head back to look at the stars, smoke billowing out of his nose. 

Remus felt a million miles away.

Finally, mercifully, Sirius lowered his head once more, to take another drag. 

“And you know what? I would do it again, just to get your attention,” Sirius said, stepping forward and cupping Remus’ face with his free hand. He brushed his lips gently against Remus’,reeking of smoke and tasting of nicotine. He drew away and walked right on by, pressing the cigarette into Remus’ hand. Remus heard the sliding doors open and close. He lifted the cigarette to his lips and finished it off. 

Remus eventually gathered himself together. Suddenly the night was full of shadows, and he wanted to run from them all. He walked back into the pale white light of the sliding doors and opened it, stepping in. 

“Hey, Moony!” Peter greeted happily from the couch. Remus offered a tight smile for his friend, keeping his eyes downcast. He noticed that Lily was over, sitting behind the drums and getting some pointers from a friend from high school, Frank Longbottom. His girlfriend Alice was in the middle of pulling out some beers from her backpack. Sirius was plucking at his bass, eyes downcast and avoiding Remus. That was  fine with him, as far as he was concerned. 

“What’s got you down tonight, Remus?” Peter continued, his voice harping in Remus’ eardrums as he shook his head when Alice held out a can to him. 

“It’s nothing, Peter,” Remus said shortly, giving him a look that said  _ please leave me alone.  _ Peter just shrugged, turning back to give in his two cents to Lily.

Remus picked up his violin and ran through a few warm-ups. But it all fell flat, and after the third screeching note, he decided to give up on playing music for the day. He put away his violin with care before collapsing on the couch beside Peter and Alice. 

“How have you been?” Alice asked, turning to Remus. She drew the can to her lips as she watched him patiently. She was a sweet girl, if more a little too blunt.

“Mostly alright. Lost my job at Barnes and Noble the other day,” Remus said, giving a little shrug. He still had a bit saved up, but it would be time enough to start searching again without digging into his college fund he was building up. 

“Oh, that’s a shame. What for?” Alice asked, a little pout forming on her face. That’s what he liked about Alice. Everything he talked about was the most important thing on her list of things to care about. Frank really was lucky. 

“Actually, it’s because I kept dissing the customers reading choices,” Remus said, smiling a little as he glanced down at his hands. How many times had he turned away customers when they asked for an Ayn Rand novel? Too many times count; he was personally offended by her ridiculous objectivist philosophy, not to mention her vicious classically conservative hypocrisy.

“Oh, Remus,” Alice shook her head a little, smiling despite it all. She took a moment to take another sip, and then a deep breath.

“Don’t you worry, I have something that’ll fix that right up,” She said, winking at him before standing. She handed Remus her beer and clapped her hands together loudly to get everyone’s attention.

“I have an announcement to make,” she said loudly, and the last strains of music drifted off as she spoke once more.

“The bar I work at was looking for some entertainment for this Saturday, and I dropped a hint about an upstart band I knew about,” Alice said, a grin spreading wide across her pretty face. 

“Wait, seriously?” James asked, leaping up from the stool he  was on. His messy hair fell into his eyes and he stubbornly brushed it out of the way. 

“That’s great, we can actually make something with this!” James said brightly, spinning in a circle to see everyone. Remus took a sip of the beer. 

“The only thing, you guys need a name,” Alice scrunched up her nose. “I can only stall holding your place till tomorrow, after all.” 

“The Marauders!” James burst out. Remus frowned a little at first, repeating the name a few times silently to himself. It was an old, familiar term they had coined themselves with. It was after the four of them had gotten in trouble with Mrs. Mcgonagall, and she had muttered the word under her breath as they were leaving her office. It had stuck ever since. Remus wondered if their english teacher was still working, and didn’t doubt it. She was as much a part of their old high school as the bricks of the foundation were. 

“That old name from ninth grade?” Sirius asked, looking up from his instrument momentarily. He met Remus’ eyes for the briefest of moments before dropping his gaze once more.  

“Of course, I mean, when we start out local, everyone will remember us from high school,” James pointed out, pacing the room. Remus noted the nervous energy in James’ stride, and found himself being carried along in the excitement already. This could work. They could make something of themselves- Remus could make something of himself, before he went and bit it. Remus swallowed, feeling indiscernible emotions rise in his throat. His friends had given him reason to keep on living, in the simple form of giving him a purpose. 

“I don't know, I think Wormtail and the Gents is a lot better,” Peter chipped in, smiling lopsidedly as he elbowed Remus. 

“You wish,” Remus said right back, elbowing him in the ribs. “Maybe it can be an album name.” Already Remus was thinking of shouting crowds, albums on boxstore shelves, never having to worry about a damned thing in his life. And he would be able to use his fame to help others too, of course. That was a given. 

“All in favor, say ‘ay’!” Lily shouted from the drumset, and raised her arm in the air as they all resounded with an echoing “Ay’s!” 

James moved his way over to Sirius and crouched beside him. They began to talk about a list of songs to put on their first playlist for the gig, and Alice reclaimed her seat next to Remus, her pride clear in her face. Remus handed her drink back. 

“Thank you for that, Alice. We’ll make it up to you,” Remus said sincerely. Alice only laughed, shoving him a little. 

“What are friends for?” She said lightly, passing the can back to him.  He took a swig, smiling warmly at her when he handed it back. Tonight was time to celebrate, and to hell with Sirius. 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sirius stepped out of Frank’s car, ducking his head in just long enough to kiss Alice on the cheek and thank Frank for the ride home. He turned around to walk up the sidewalk. Remus was huddled against the door, cursing softly as he failed to open the door. 

“Here, lemme at it,” Sirius mumbled, pushing Remus aside gently as he took the key from Remus’ shaking hands. He inserted the key easily, and stepped inside. Just outside the headlights faded away as Frank and Alice made their way home. He would have to text them later to see if they got home safe. 

He stepped into the darkened apartment and flicked the lights on. He blinked in the warm light dazedly, disoriented to be home after so much had happened. Remus shoved right on by, muttering about having to take a piss. Sirius watched the blonde shuffle into the bathroom, fond. It wasn’t very often Sirius got to experience a drunken Remus, but now here they were. He shut the door behind him and locked it before heading to his bedroom. He picked up the blankets he had and the pillow before dragging them to the couch. He wasn’t about to get his back scratched to all hell again, but he definitely had too much pride to crawl in bed with the man he had just kissed after an emotional breakdown.

The bathroom door opened, and Remus shuffled out, cursing softly as he leaned against the doorframe that led to the small living room. He rubbed at an eye with his sweater, blinking blearily at Sirius. He had changed into his pajamas bottoms, and looked even more disoriented, if it was even possible. 

“Th’ hell you doin’ sleeping on the couch?” Remus asked finally, squinting at Sirius suspiciously. 

“I’m sleeping on the couch because my bed is broken, and I don’t want you throwing up on me,” SIrius said easily. He had no intention to sleep. He was horrified that Remus would go and do something stupid, like choke on his vomit in his sleep. Not that that was realistic in any way at all, but Sirius would be too worried to sleep as it was. 

“No, you can sleep in my bed,” Remus said, frowning stubbornly. He moved from the doorframe and took Sirius’ hands in his own. Sirius could only register that they were bitterly cold. 

“Remus, sweetheart, please go to bed.” Sirius said softly, pulling his hands away. 

“I’ll freeze to death,” Remus whined, snatching his hands right back up and began to tug him towards their bedrooms.

“No, you won't.” Sirius scoffed, pulling his hands away again, rougher this time. He snatched up the blanket he had on the couch and shoved it into Remus’ arms. 

“Here, now to bed with you.” Sirius said sternly, spinning Remus around and pushing his shoulders gently in the general direction of the bedrooms. 

“But you’ll freeze!” Remus said loudly. Sirius rolled his eyes. 

“Now isn’t the time to pretend to care about me, doll,” Sirius said, collapsing on the couch. He took his phone out of his jeans pocket, sending a text to Frank to message him when they got home. Remus moved to the kitchen and got a glass of water, shuffling back in to sit on the couch. Sirius was tempted to leave his feet in the way, but moved them anyhow when Remus sat down. He stubbornly kept his eyes on his phone as Remus shuffled on the couch, wedging himself against the cushions as he shoved his bare feet up towards Sirius’ face. 

“Gross!” Sirius complained, batting Remus’ chilled feet away. 

“I’m  _ cold,”  _ Remus insisted, and tucked his feet under Sirius’ shoulder to warm them. 

“It’s not even below fifty, Moony,” Sirius pointed out. He shut off his phone and set it on the floor beside the couch, resting his head back. They were silent for a moment, the lights still on. It was a grave mistake the both of them had committed. No one had shut off the lights. 

“You know what would be great right now?” Remus mumbled, throwing Sirius’ blanket over the two of them. Sirius lifted his head a little, just to see Remus tuck his head under the blanket. 

“What?” Sirius asked sleepily.

“A power outage,” Remus muttered. Sirius burst into laughter, dropping his head back onto his pillow. God, what he would give for their apartment’s utilities to give out at a time like this. 

“I’ll turn out the lights if you don’t take my spot,” Sirius bartered. 

“I wont take your spot if you gimmie a kiss,” Remus muttered right back, and Sirius’ heart stopped. 

“Don’t play me like that, Moons,” Sirius said suddenly, jumping to his feet to get as far away from Remus as possible. He shut off the lights and tumbled onto the couch, kicking Remus over. 

“You didn’ gimmie a kiss!” Remus shouted near-incoherently when Sirius kicked him in the ribs. 

“Shut it, jerk.” Sirius grumbled, settling back down. Remus got payback by sticking his foot in Sirius’ face, and Sirius shoved him away again. 

“Hey Padfoot,” Remus began, just as they had just settled down.

“Yeah, Moony?” Sirius asked. 

“Do you think that, say, if a certain bigfoot were to live in the woods, how would he respond to. To uh, deforestation?” Remus rambled. 

“He’d probably have to move into a national park or something,” Sirius said, yawning. 

Several more minutes passed. 

“Hey Padfoot.” 

“Oh my god.”

“Do you love me?” Remus asked. 

“Of course I love you,” Sirius answered easily. That much was true. He loved James and Peter too, and he supposed Lily. But they were family. And he was just going to have to learn to love Remus as family too

“Nooo, I mean like. Love love,” Remus said, kicking the side of Sirius’ head affectionately. 

“I suppose I do,” Sirius said. 

“Oh.” Remus fell silent for a little while. Long enough for Sirius to think that he had finally fallen asleep. 

“How long?” Remus asked, just as Sirius was about to drift off himself. 

“The day I walked into orchestra and saw you sitting there reading a book, I knew I had to know you. That’s all,” Sirius mumbled. 

“That doesn’t sound like love.” Remus retorted. 

“Love just takes time, Remus. For a while you didn’t love me either.” He knew that much was true. It had only been their sophomore year of high school when Remus had started returning his lovesick looks, and suddenly it felt like an entirely different issue had arisen between the two of them. And then Remus had gone off and fucked someone and got aids. Sirius covered his head with a pillow, willing his thoughts to settle. It wasn’t Remus’ fault. At the time Sirius was at the end of his long string of boyfriend’s, and it was only natural for him to want to date himself too. But if he had been single at the time...would Remus still have a thirteen year death sentence? 

“I’m sorry,” Remus said, shifting a little so his feet weren’t directly in Sirius’ face any longer. 

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Sirius said sleepily. 

“Will you go out with me?” Remus asserted, and it was definitely the alcohol talking. He was too careful, too smart to go and say something dangerous like that. But there Remus was, sitting up in the dark and looming there.  

“Remus,  _ no _ ,” Sirius said, sitting up himself. He watched his friend in the dark, watched him sway from side to side gently, head tilted a little to the side from sleepiness. 

He felt wrong. This was all wrong. He hated Remus. He had  _ yelled  _ at him even, for something that wasn't even his fault. But here he was, in all his drunken glory, asking to date a trainwreck like him. And how badly he wanted to accept, to pull Remus into a kiss. Sirius tumbled off the couch, getting to his feet. 

“No. Remus. You’re drunk, I’m exhausted, and this isn’t okay,” Sirius said, holding his hands out a little. He didn’t know why. Was he just going to push Remus down if he came after him? Sirius began to shake a little, remembering a time where he had to do this, to keep his drunken father at bay. He took another step back, stepping on a book as he went. 

“Why not? I’m an idiot. I should be drunk all the time, if life actually starts to fucking happen,” Remus snapped back, rising to his feet. 

“Remus, please. Just. Sit down, okay? I-I can’t do this. Not while you’re like this,” Sirius said, starting to plead with him. He hated this. Having to beg to just be left alone, to not be a part in whatever the fuck that was about to happen. He was scared of Remus, of himself. 

“What d’you mean?” Remus asked, taking another step forward, he knocked over the glass of water he had set beside the couch, seeping his feet with it. Remus let out a string of curses, and Sirius darted into the bathroom, locking it behind him. He slid down, hugging his knees as he tried to get a control of himself. Remus wasn’t going to hurt him. He wasn’t like that, he’d never been like that, never  _ would  _ be. Sirius squeezed his eyes shut tight. 

But instead all he saw was his father looming above him, screaming incoherently. Blaming his mother and him for ruining his life as they lay together on the floor, clutching desperately at each other. Feeling like that it would never end. Being too afraid to stand up against his dad, just so he would stop yelling, but knowing it meant just meant being knocked right back down against the wall, by his mom who dare not yell back, dare not defend her oldest son. 

Sirius opened his eyes again, looking down at his hands that trembled dangerously. Out the door Remus knocked, and Sirius shouted for him to go away, to leave him alone. He didn’t want him to see him like this, not now, not ever. 

After a few more seconds, Sirius heard Remus’ mumbled apologies, feet moving away, and the lights turning on in the kitchen as he went about muttering about cleaning up the water. Sirius focused on that. The drunken complaints about being clumsy. Little by little, Sirius reminded himself that he was okay. He was going to be okay, in any case. He just had to relax. 

But old habits died hard. He waited until he heard Remus collapse on the couch to fall asleep before unlocking the bathroom door. He shut off the light so it wouldn’t wake him, and shuffled to Remus’ room, where he gathered as many blankets as possible and nestled under them in the middle of the bed. 

Sirius wondered if he would move out. The purpose was tempting, but he remembered what Remus had said. If he ran now, he was a coward. But wasn’t that always what he was meant to be? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> direct all comments, questions, and complaints to me [on tumblr](http://starameter.tumblr.com/) c:


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius woke up with the sun in his eyes. He let out a groan, shifting his head to hide from the light. His head ached from leaving his bun in all night, and he reached up with one hand to tear out the ponytail. His hair unraveled the rest of the way and he rubbed at his scalp, easing some of the ache.   
The smell of bacon drifted into the room. Sirius frowned. Remus never, ever made meat unless he felt guilty about something, which didn’t make sense unless-  
The night before came back to him in a rush.   
Sirius sat up in bed and sat there for a moment, feeling like a complete wreck as his hair fell in scraggly chunks in front of his eyes. He ran a hand through it to keep it back, and slowly drew himself out of bed. If he didn’t go out now, Remus would eventually shuffle in with a plate, and that was too domestic for Sirius’ tastes.  
Remus was in the kitchen, flipping bacon. Beside him was a plateful of eggs, but only one. Remus would probably have an apple instead, or something equally saddening to Sirius’ omnivorous heart. He went over and sat on the counter of the kitchen, Remus looking up just long enough to offer a tight-lipped smile.   
“So uh.” Sirius cleared his throat. “How’s the uhm. Old hangover going?”   
“I never want to drink again,” Remus deadpanned, moving the last of the bacon onto the plate before carrying the pan to the sink. He ran water over it, a billow of smoke rising to mask his face as the pan sizzled.   
“That’s what they all say the first time,” Sirius said, smiling. Remus just gave him a mock wounded look as he handed him the plate of food.   
“Is this my apology breakfast?” Sirius continued. He felt reckless today. There was no point leaving the elephant in the room well alone. It was best to just get out with it before Remus had too much time to pout.   
“Yeah, a bit. Along with an apology lunch, and dinner,” Remus said, grabbing an apple from their communal fruit bowl that only Remus ate from.   
“Ohh, a three course guilt meal,” Sirius said sincerely, kicking his feet out a little as he began to shovel the eggs into his mouth.   
“Sirius, I need to you to take me seriously,” Remus said, taking a bite of apple.   
“Course I’ll take you seriously, I’m Sirius,” he said. The joke never got old with him. But all the same he sobered up.   
“What I did last night was...unacceptable, to say the least,” Remus began, shaking his head a little in shame at himself.  
“Hey it’s alright. I was a massive prick too,” Sirius pointed out around a mouthful of eggs. He thought of the things he said, and winced a little.   
“N-no you weren’t. I fucking asked you out, not even twenty-four hours after I rejected you,” Remus said.   
“Yeah, and I rubbed it in that you only had thirteen years to live. If you ask me, Moony, yours pales in comparison to mine,” he said.   
“...We have a lot to apologize to each other for,” Remus said finally. Sirius snorted, shoving a piece of bacon into his mouth.   
“You got that right.” Sirius shook his head.   
“Well, erm. First thing. I’m sorry for getting drunk off my ass.” Remus rubbed the back of his head a little awkwardly, lowering his head to stare at the floor.  
“It’s alright, man. You can have fun sometimes,” Sirius said, the words falling flat, awkward and disjointed between the two of them. Sirius swallowed hard, residual bacon getting stuck in his throat. He coughed a little, averting his eyes.   
“No, it clearly. Uhm. It triggered something with you,” Remus said forcefully, as if he didn’t want to talk about it all that much either.   
“Hey man, it’s not your fault my dad was a violent drunk,” Sirius shrugged, keeping his eyes on the plate. He picked up the last piece of bacon, hands shaking a little as he stuffed it in his mouth.  
“No, I mean it. If I...if I ever drink again, I’ll find somewhere else to stay for the night,” Remus said levelly, lifting his head a little to catch Sirius’ eye.   
“Fine,” Sirius said shortly, setting the plate down a little harder than intended. He winced, wiping his hands off on his jeans.   
“And uhm. I’m sorry about the whole fight we had. I really didn’t need to say the things I said. And springing the whole little brother fiasco thing on you too,” Sirius said, smiling a little to take the pain out of it for himself. If he pretended it was a small thing, he told himself, then maybe it might just be.   
“It’s okay. I’ve pretty much accepted my morality,” Remus said, shrugging in that way he always did whenever his lifespan ever came up, if it ever did, as if it didn’t bother him at all when Sirius knew it did. He rested his hands against the cup of the counter, squeezing the smooth surface there to gain some sort of bearings.   
“It’s still not okay I brought it up,” He pointed out. “If anything, your best friend should never have...you know, brought up something like that.”   
“Okay,” Remus said, and Sirius knew it was more for his benefit than Remus’.   
They sat together in silence for a while, the sunlight in the living room not quite reaching the cool shadows of the kitchen. They kept their eyes adverted from each other, hundreds of unspoken things keeping them from reconciling. Sirius wondered if they ever would. If he even wanted them to be.   
“You’re not a coward, either.” Remus said after a while, biting at his thumbnail. Sirius only snorted in response. Of course he was a coward.   
“I mean it, Sirius. There’s no shame in what you did. If you hadn’t left, things would’ve gotten a whole lot worse.” He said.   
“How the hell do you know that?” Sirius snapped, clutching the countertop. He glared at Remus for a moment. But one thing stilled his anger. If he kept going like this, constantly avoiding things he didn’t like and constantly meeting it with anger, he would end up like his dad. And he couldn’t stand that, not in a million years. So he made himself relax, by prying his fingers from their grip on the countertop, and dropped them loosely at his sides.   
“I-I’m sorry. I’ve had a rough couple of days is all.” Sirius said, smiling lopsidedly at Remus.   
“That’s okay,” Remus offered a smile that clearly was worn and clearly wasn’t entirely genuine, but Sirius appreciated the sentiment regardless. “I have a lot of bad days. What do you tell me? There’s no shame in it.”  
Sirius tried to return the smile. “Yeah,” he nodded, and they both looked away, lapsing into an awkward silence until Remus finally broke it.  
“Sirius, I…” he trailed off, clearly searching for words. “I’m not trying to jerk you around or lead you on or--or anything, I just.” He stopped, staring hard at the ground. He swallowed several times, blinking quickly as if to fend off encroaching tears, and Sirius knew whatever was about to be said would break his heart. “I’m going to die, Sirius, you know that, and if I’m very, very lucky and I take very, very good care of myself, it’ll be in about thirteen years, and we both know that I’ve never been very lucky. And, and I’m contagious, I have this disease and--I know there’s no shame in it, whenever anyone else at that group therapy thing said they felt ashamed, I thought they were so dumb because there was nothing to be ashamed of, but. I am ashamed, and I’m scared that any tiny slip up could--” his voice broke, and he cleared his throat, squared his shoulders, set his jaw, like a soldier marching into battle. “It could kill you, Sirius, if we were stupid and not careful or something went wrong, I could kill you.” Remus’ breathing was hoarse and ragged, and he finally made eye contact with Sirius, blue eyes watery and red. He pushed his hand through his shaggy blonde hair in want of a cut, and finally whispered, “I have to protect you, Sirius.”  
“Remus, I…” Sirius stopped, unsure of what to say. “What are you trying to say?”  
“We can’t do this, Sirius,” Remus whispered, looking away again. “I can’t hurt you like that.”  
Sirius’ breath caught in his lungs, and he stared at his old friend for several long moments. He had wanted him for nearly ten years, he’d spent long nights awake in his bed, aching for him, days pining after him, months wondering what Remus would do if he just pushed him against the counter, their counter, in the kitchen where they quietly pretended that they weren’t domestic like some doddering young couple years into their a quaint little routine, and kissed him until they were both breathless.   
And, he knew, as long as they still lived together in this warm, cozy little house, with the throw blankets on their beat up couch, Remus’ garden in the back where Sirius did the weeding when Remus was tired or ill, the leaning, precarious towers of books Sirius kept harping on Remus about, and which Remus kept promising to do something with but never did, and for God’s sake in the bed they shared together, none of that would ever stop. He would never stop spending the nights wondering what Remus would feel like under him, lips everywhere but Sirius’ mouth, never stop wishing as he watched Remus shiver in fifty degree heat that he could bundle him up in his jacket, tuck his head under his chin, and hold him until he felt warm again, fantasizing about what it would be like to walk up behind him and kiss his neck in greeting the way Frank did Alice. This yearning, pining, and, at times, desperation wouldn’t stop, until one day Remus was gone, leaving Sirius with an empty home and a thousand what if’s?   
He set his jaw, finally looking up at Remus. “If this will never happen,” he said, gesturing between the two of them, “then I need to move out. I’ll never get over you, here. I need to, to go stay with James for a while.” He sighed, and it sounded like a quiet sob. “I love you, Remus, and I need to stop.”  
Remus didn’t say anything for a long time, pulling at his sweater sleeves in quick, jerky motions, rolling them over his hands like paws. His eyes were closed and his breathing slow; he was taking a moment to collect himself, if Sirius were to guess, or to plan. Sometimes he did that, when he was bracing for an argument and preparing his case, or to gather the courage to say something, and Sirius prepared himself for an argument, for Remus to beg him to stay, take his explanation for an offer and acquiesce, plead for Sirius to give them a shot.   
But instead, when he finally looked back at Sirius, all he said was, “Okay.”  
Sirius blinked. “That’s it?”  
Remus nodded, rolling his hands together slowly and methodically. “Yeah. I think you’re right--it isn’t fair for you to have to be here. I get it.”  
“I--” Sirius stopped, nodding back. “Yeah. I’ll--I’ll go get my stuff together,” he said, gesturing towards his room. Remus didn’t respond.   
Sirius started to leave, and then stopped, turning back to Remus. “Moony?” He asked, voice quiet. Remus looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes. “I wouldn’t have minded it, you know,” he told him. “The risk, the illness, none of it. I wouldn’t have cared how long we had together, I wouldn’t have cared about any of it. I would’ve done it in a heartbeat.” They stared at each other for several long moments, before Sirius finally turned away, heading towards his room to pack his things.  
Sirius shut the door carefully behind him, heart racing as he moved to sit on the edge of his bed. He didn’t regret what he had to say. It was probably the best thing for the two of them. Besides. Besides, he had applied for a job, he wouldn’t be mooching off the Potters for too long while he worked to get enough money to pay for his own little apartment. He would keep paying for Remus’ rent, even if it meant fighting every single month on the twentieth. Remus was still out of a job, and the way he got stuck in his head when there was no one to pull him out of it, he’d be out of one for a while.  
“Get your shit together, Sirius,” He muttered to himself, straightening his legs out beneath him. He moved methodically, grabbing a week’s worth of clothes and shoving it in the duffel bag stuffed under his bed. He wondered how many times he would be filling it to run away from problems he could never quite solve on his own. Sirius wondered if he would ever learn how to answer anything. He grabbed his phone charger and a ratty old american flag blanket before opening the door, keeping his eyes downcast as he moved to the couch to throw his duffel bag on top. He slouched down to pick his phone off of the floor, and flicked it on.  
There was a message from Frank promising they had gotten home safely, and one from James asking if they wanted to start practicing again that night. Sirius was glad that with a drunk Remus in tow the other night, they had no chance to collect their instruments.   
Speaking of Remus, he was nowhere to be found. Sirius thought he may have been in his room, but didn’t have the heart to go and knock on his door just to check. Some things were better left where they were. Sirius called James instead.   
“Hello, is this an emergency? I’m about to get on the clock,” James said, exhaustion clear in his tone.  
“Uh, I’m moving out.” Sirius said curtly. “I can er, stick around but it's.” Sirius took a deep breath and released it, nice and slow.  
“It’s bad,” he finished.   
“Be there in ten,” James said, and hung up the phone. Sirius took time to look around the home that was his to share with Remus. He could get off the lease, but if he did, Remus would definitely refuse any money of his for rent. He even said goodbye to Newton, who looked up at him with beady black eyes that appeared to be full of sadness.  
“Me too, buddy,” Sirius whispered to the little lizard before he moved away. He wasn’t sure that Remus would take care of himself in Sirius’ absence, but he could at least be certain of Newton’s health. Remus was obsessive about his care; at least one of the mountains of books in the living room was a bunch of tomes on the care of bearded dragons. He pulled the house keys out of his pocket and dropped them on the counter, the sharp clang on the surface driving home the finality of it all.   
He grabbed his duffel bag and swung it over his shoulder, walking out the front door. The sky outside was just cloudy enough to suggest that it would be overcast later in the day. Sirius hoped it wouldn’t snow. Remus would be cold if it did. Sirius bit his lip. That was no way to be thinking, especially how they had ended up.   
He wondered if it was easy to fall out of love, but he supposed not. That’s why there was a killing franchise on break-up songs. Maybe that could be the Marauders number one hit; ‘I love my best friend but he has AIDS.’  
Sirius sat on the curb and waited for James to hurry over. He glanced behind him, at the little chain link fence that encompassed both their tiny backyard and even smaller front yard, at the flowers Remus grew in the flowerbeds, a miracle given Arizona’s dusty and inhospitable soil, the peeling robin’s egg blue paint of their little house. He didn’t think he’d ever come back here, at least not for a long, long time.   
He forced himself to turn back around, eyes skipping over the potholes Remus ranted about every time they walked or drove down this road, and shoved his hand in his pocket to fish for the nearly half empty carton of cigarettes there. He pulled one out with fumbling hands, nearly burning his fingers when he lit it.   
Sirius inhaled deeply, feeling the rush of relief flow through him. He focused on that, the calm creeping through his veins, instead of the panic, the encroaching loneliness, the grief for something he never had, and exhaled.   
He watched the smoke float in front of his face, dancing up and up and away until he couldn’t distinguish it from the pale sky, and he waited.

The gig that Saturday night, despite Sirius and Remus’ unusual silence, was a hit--Remus had begged out of practice the past three days by pretending to be ill, and James, probably knowing what all had happened, didn’t push it much.  
They played well together, and Lily, though she was new to it, was a natural on the drums. The lightning chemistry between all the Marauders and the audience in turn was enough to clear Remus’ mind for a few hours, at least, and that was enough.  
He helped James pack up all of the stuff and load it, and at Lily’s insistence, even joined them back inside. Sirius delicately ignored him; he was a natural at hiding his feelings, and Remus couldn’t divine a thing from his shuttered expression, though it wasn’t for lack of trying. His eyes barely left his friend--former friend?--for a full minute before they skipped back, watching him retie his hair, talk to newfound fans with a serious, pensive face, laugh with James.   
Remus turned his eyes to his phone, held in his limp hands. He checked the news idly, finding the usual global catastrophes and domestic fuck ups, and that Phoenix was evidently due for a cold front soon. Fantastic. He shut his screen off, looking up to where he had last seen Sirius, finding no one. Remus sighed, shaking his head at himself. He couldn’t dwell on Sirius like this forever; eventually, it would get creepy.  
He stood, stretching until he heard a satisfying pop! from his spine, and headed out the back door into the alleyway. He leaned against the cold bricks, shutting his eyes and letting the chill seep through his thick parka, flannel, and thermal, until it stung his skin. He hated the cold, but he liked, sometimes, how it gave him something to focus on that wasn’t what was going on in his head.  
After several long moments, he heard someone clear their throat, and his eyes jumped open, searching the darkness in a panic until he saw Sirius, leaning against the wall a few feet away, framed against the piercing blue-white streetlamp at the end of the alley. It turned his face stark and pale, made his eyes and hair inky and blacker than ever. Held between two long, slender fingers, was a cigarette.  
“You started smoking again,” Remus said at last, his voice creaky from doing backup vocals and not speaking for the past half an hour. He wondered if he would begin to sound like this all the time, when he was alone and with only nosy people to talk to.  
Sirius’ eyes travelled from his scuffed, duct-taped boots, up his scrawny legs and torso layered with every imaginable winter clothing item, and to his thin, worn face. “You stopped eating again,” he retorted, flicking ashes on the ground.  
Remus turned away again, leaning against the building to stare up at the stars. The streetlamp bleached the sky, overwhelmed his eyes so he couldn’t see the stars.   
Sirius sighed, and Remus imagined smoke billowing out of his mouth. “How are you feeling?”  
“How am I feeling?” Remus snorted. “That’s a cute question, Sirius.” He opened his eyes just a little, turning his head to watch him shake his head.  
“You’re really something, Remus, you know that?” he shook his head again. “You’re really, really something.”  
“You should put that out,” Remus nodded towards the cigarette. “Those things’ll kill you, ya know.”  
Sirius barked out a humorless laugh. “Stop pretending like you care, Remus,” he growled, bitterly. “I know you don’t. So stop. It just makes this harder.”  
“Makes what harder? Getting over the guy you knew from high school who’ll be dead within a decade anyway? Gee, I can see why,” Remus’ voice was sardonic, dripping with false cheer and acid.   
“You’re not just some guy, Remus,” Sirius snapped. “You know that. You know that, so stop.” He stopped himself, closed his eyes, took a steadying breath. He hung his head for several long moments before finally looking back up at Remus. “Yeah, you’re a real piece of work, Lupin.”  
The chill in his skin reached Remus’ bones at that: Sirius rarely called him by his last name ever, never really had before save the one time Remus had an anxiety attack at school and walked off campus with his phone in his locker, and didn’t talk to anyone until school the next morning. Sirius had been furious, though even that paled in comparison to now.  
“A real piece of work,” he repeated in a mumble. He shook his head and threw his cigarette into the alleyway, yanked the heavy backdoor open and stalked inside.  
Remus slid down to sit huddled against the wall, eyes closed, hands over his ears, for who knows how long before he finally got up and walked down the alleyway, choosing to make his way around the building to get to the parking lot instead of going through the bar and risking the chance of encountering any of his friends, who might try to convince him to stay, or Sirius, who might give him that look again. The look that validated every terrible feeling Remus had had about himself since he was young.  
He barely remembered the drive home, NPR quietly droning in the background. He pulled onto the street, having little to no energy to work up a good fit about the potholes he hit. The metal of the gate was freezing to the touch, and for a few long moments he wondered if he might just crawl into his car and sleep there, his parka draped over him for a blanket, his flannel bundled up under his head for a pillow, but finally his fingers worked it open, and miraculously unlocked the front door, too.  
He barely paused to remove his boots, scarf, and jeans before crawling back onto the couch under his eight blankets. Thankfully, since Sirius had slept in his bed last night, the smell of him was very faint, barely enough for Remus to notice.  
He thought about what Sirius had said--You’re a real piece of work, Lupin. He squeezed his eyes shut, turning over. If he was very lucky, he knew he would be dead within a decade and a half without treatment, which he sure as hell couldn’t afford, especially not now that he lived alone, and he wondered why he had never considered that just being friends with him might end up hurting Sirius, too.   
Remus knew that in this awkward, uncomfortable split, one of them would have to leave the Marauders, and he knew that it had to be Remus--Sirius’ lifespan would be quadruple that of Remus’, not to mention the fact that he deserved their friends more than Remus ever would, and Remus knew he had to protect them, too. Being around him was draining, even more so now that he was sick, and it wouldn’t do well to force the people he loved to watch him slowly die. He would have to distance himself from them, first, stop texting constantly, stop calling, stop showing up unannounced at the Potter’s, stop going to the Taco Bell just to hang out with James and Lily and read in the corner. He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes to stimmy the flow of tears he could feel welling up.   
The worst thing Remus imagined for himself, when he received the news about his condition, was that he might die alone. When his parents threw him out and he rejected Sirius that first time, he worried that when he died, it would be cold and alone, with nobody to mourn or remember him. The past few months, he’d felt like that might not happen, like his friends would be there for him, and although he hadn’t thought about it much, he guessed that there had been some part of him that expected that when he died, it would be with Sirius there to hold his hand until he was gone, and their friends would attend his funeral--ensure that there was a funeral to be had at all.  
But now, he knew, that was a very selfish thing to wish--that his friends would watch him decay and die, organize his funeral, take care of everything after the fact. It was a very selfish thing indeed.  
He’d have to distance them, push them away, until one day, far in the future, they’d open the paper and see his obituary and feel a stab of regret and nostalgia, but nothing more. Nothing more for their old friend from high school, if Remus did what he had to do.  
He rolled onto his stomach, staring up at the water stain on his ceiling. After they had moved in, Sirius pointed out that it looked like a lion roaring, and he’d done an impression of it, a rare moment where he was silly and unguarded and happy. Remus closed his eyes, deciding that the first thing he did once he got a job would be to cover up that godforsaken stain. The last thing he needed was Sirius to follow him even into sleep.

“Mr. Lupin, is it?”  
“Yes, sir.”  
The flame haired man behind the desk laughed, shaking his head. “No need to call me ‘sir’, Lupin, I’m only a little older than you! We’re very informal around here.”  
Remus swallowed hard, straightening his tweed blazer and blinking at the manager of his third favorite used bookstore. There was a flickering fluorescent light behind him that was making that vein in Remus’ head throb again. “Okay.” He forced a smile. “Sounds great, Mr. Weasley.”  
“Let’s see...what is it exactly that got you fired from your last job?” Mr. Weasley raised his eyebrows at Remus, flipping through his resume.  
“Um, well.” Remus tugged at his collar. “There were just some--issues between management and me.”  
“What sorts of issues, exactly?”  
“I’m not a fan of Ayn Rand,” Remus explained. “And there was an argument.” He held his breath, hoping. He wasn’t in this store often; the reason he’d avoided the ones he frequented most when applying was because of the memories building up behind his eyes, clouding everything else. He saw himself and Sirius, dramatically reading the backs of romance novels to each other, flipping through books of art and commenting, sometimes thoughtfully, usually humorously. They usually bought them; there were piles and piles of books with warm, pleasant memories sitting back at their--his--house at that very moment.  
In any case, he wasn’t sure of the political leanings of this particular shop, but he couldn’t recall ever seeing anything that made him scoff or gag, and he ended up being right--Mr. Weasley huffed out a short bark of laughter, shaking his head.  
“I like you, Lupin,” he smiled at Remus. He tilted his head thoughtfully before nodding and standing up, extending his hand towards him. “You know we don’t pay much, but the work is interesting and satisfying, and every week you get to pick any book published after 1965 to take home if you want. I’d love to have you on board.”  
Remus stood so quickly he almost stumbled, grinning from ear to ear. He clasped Mr. Weasley’s hand, shaking it vigorously. “Thank you so much, Mr. Weasley, you won’t regret it, I promise.”  
Mr. Weasley nodded, smiling back with that worn but startlingly genuine grin Remus was already becoming fond of. “Of course, Lupin. You can start Monday, if that’s alright with you?”  
“Of course it is,” Remus kept bobbing his head until Mr. Weasley released his hand. This here was the first step to independence, to saving up and moving out of that pretty blue house he’d loved so much for so long that had, in the past week, become little more than a cage. (There may have even been an angsty song written with lyrics about a robin trapped in its egg that was so ready to burst forth and fly away that no one ever needed to see.) Everywhere he turned was another cloying memory threatening to smother him, and as much as it hurt like a knife in the chest to think about leaving, he had to--it was the first big step in his plan to transition himself out of his friends’ lives, and he’d never get Sirius out of his system if he stayed in that house that was almost the home they could’ve made together.   
(He knew he’d never get Sirius out of his system, he was stuck there like an itch Remus could never scratch, the hitch in his breathing that hadn’t gone away since high school, the burning exhaustion behind his eyes Remus had forgotten what it was like to live without. He was stuck with it, and he would be until the day he died.)  
But leaving that fucking house might take the edge off a little. He had considered taking up smoking, just to pretend that the ache for Sirius was the pull of a cigarette, but all he could think of when he lit one up from the pack Sirius left in Remus’ car was Sirius standing in their driveway, eyes on the sky, smoking dancing in the gentle breeze, the taste of nicotine on his lips when they kissed outside James’ the night of their fight. Sirius’ eyes, dark and dangerous and unreadable in the alleyway outside the bar Saturday night, smoke billowing up in front of his face.  
Not to mention the way it made Remus cough and hack--he shook his head against the rising tide of cold and aching dissonance within him and smiled at Mr. Weasley.  
“Monday morning, ten am sharp,” he promised, and picked up his satchel, hurrying out of the musty shop and onto the street. Cars sped down the street, a man shoved Remus into the hard brick of the book shop, another one almost tripped over the leg he threw out to balance himself and muttered at him to watch where he was going. Remus scowled.   
Step two, he decided. Get the fuck out of Phoenix. It reeked of car exhaust, body odor, and dust, all the goddamn time.  
On the walk down to his car, he considered where he might go instead. He didn’t think he could realistically leave the desert; when he died, he wanted the last thing he felt to be blisters.   
Santa Fe, maybe. It was a nice town, he thought, there were plenty of great songs about it. Or Las Vegas. He’d always held that it wasn’t a real town, just a living, breathing ruin, but then again, so was Remus. Maybe it was the perfect place for him.  
He sighed, reaching his car at last and deciding to call Lily. Used to be, the first thing he would do would be to call Sirius, and they’d go get ice cream and drive out of town and sit on that ridge they liked, watch the stars for a few hours. It would be way too cold, but the stars were so pretty and Sirius was so beautiful, and when he noticed Remus shivering he’d nudge closer, let Remus glue himself to his side. Everything would feel pure and right and perfect and Phoenix and everything in it was as far away as the stars.  
But now, that wasn’t an option, and he supposed Lily was his second closest friend. She was often there for him when no one else, even Sirius, was, and he felt that first wave of excitement building up in him again as he dialed her number, getting into his car.  
“Hello?” Lily’s voice sounded hesitant, but Remus payed it no mind.  
“Guess what!” He grinned. “I got a job! At that little book shop down on third.”  
“That’s fantastic!” she gushed. “I’m so glad--I love that place. It has a whole section of maps and atlases.”  
“I know!” he punched his steering wheel, forgetting for a moment about the horn and partially deafening the woman crossing in front of him to the other side of the road. He held up a hand in sheepish apology and started his car.  
“Is there a family and friends discount?” Lily asked hopefully.   
“Unfortunately not, but I get to take one book home every week and I can always get one you want sometimes,” he offered, and he could practically see Lily brighten up.  
“You’re the best, Rem,” she said fondly, and he shook his head even though he knew she couldn’t see him. “Don’t shake your head, you are.” That was the thing about Lily, no matter what was going on with her, she could always be the best hype man around.  
Speaking of what was going on with Lily, he recalled her tone when she answered and asked, “So, how’re things? What’s going on with you and James and--and everyone?”  
She was quiet for a moment. “Well, Remus, I think there’s something you should know--”  
“Is it about Sirius?” He pulled out of his parking spot, jaw clenched.   
“Yes, but, Remus--”  
“I told you, I don’t want to know,” he closed his eyes for a moment when he reached the stop sign at the end of the road. “It’ll just make this harder.”  
“Remus, there’s someone he’s been bringing around,” Lily said in a rush, and Remus opened his eyes, shook his head.  
“Don’t care, Lil,” he reminded her in a singsong voice. “I’m good. I got a job. I’m moving to Santa Fe. Or Las Vegas. I haven’t decided yet. Did I mention that? Yeah, I think I’m going to Vegas. Anyway, is there anything else? You know how I space out when I’m driving.”  
“Remus,” she began, as though she didn’t even know what to say, before finally giving up. “Don’t forget band practice tonight, James will be crushed if you don’t show up.”  
“I know,” he said softly. He would have to mail in his resignation from the band once he was out of the state--facing James’ sad puppy eyes if he delivered the news in person would be too much.  
“I’ll see you then, Rem.”  
“See you then,” he promised, and threw his phone into the passenger seat, trusting Lily to hang up. “Time to jam to some NPR,” he muttered. “Fuck Sirius.”

Instead of returning to that suffocating hellhole, somehow Remus ended up at a succulent nursery on the other side of town.   
He’d never gone, Sirius had always refused, and at some point listening to Terry Gross interview Gloria Steinem on the New Year CD mix of the best Fresh Air podcasts of 2015 Lily made him, he’d decided that he absolutely deserved a new cactus for this momentous achievement of landing a job he might actually enjoy.   
The nursery was pleasant and balmy, and Remus felt himself relaxing along with the calm Spanish guitar drifting over the speakers above him. He strolled the isles, finally coming to a stop in front of a display of colorful desert flowers. He remembered Sirius calling him a desert flower, once, the time Marlene and Lily convinced him to dye his pink. He’d looked like a damned clown; James and Peter had mocked him endlessly, but Sirius had thrown an arm around his shoulders and called him their very own desert flower.  
He tilted his head at the display, squinting in thought. Did every damn thing in the world have to tie back to Sirius? He decided not.   
The bastards were heavy and bulky, and Remus was exhausted and out of shape regardless, but he managed to get one to the checkout, along with a tiny moon cactus because fuck literally everything, and following that, out to his car, without much help from the employees. It was almost dark by the time he was finally pulling out of the parking lot, and he considered the time carefully. He didn’t want to arrive early, he wanted the only time he spent near Sirius to be filled with as many people between them as possible and the cacophony of music to drown out lingering looks and long, unnatural silences.  
He ended up taking the long way to the Potters’ house, driving until the sun had dipped below the horizon, the residue from its descent turning the sky in its path a dull, burnt orange, opposite an abyss dark as pitch. The city’s lights blacked out the stars, and for once, Remus was grateful for it. What the fuck kind of name was “Sirius”, anyway? Remus couldn’t even look at the stars the past week without automatically seeking out Sirius’ namesake.  
His phone rang a few times on the drive, and he ignored it every time, finally pulling into the Potters’ driveway. There was an unfamiliar car parked where he usually did; he knew Lily’s friend Marlene had just gotten a new car, he wondered if she was joining them tonight. He frowned at it, virtually everyone who came to the Potters’ would know to park elsewhere.   
He grabbed his satchel and new cactus out of the floorboard of the passenger seat and his phone out of the cup holder. He turned the screen on to see three missed calls from Lily and nine texts, two of which were from James and one from Peter.  
He shook his head and rolled his eyes; he was only five minutes late, that many attempts to contact him were a little absurd. It was just enough time to make sure James would be eager to skip the smalltalk and start. He considered reading them on the walk up from the street to the Potters’ door, but decided instead that whatever it was could wait.  
Mrs. Potter answered the door, tsking that he had missed the dinner she made for all of them. Remus embraced her, electing to compliment her sari instead of explaining why he’d missed it. She waved him downstairs with a smile.  
He descended the stairs. He walked downstairs warily, his new cactus held in front of him like a shield. He saw Lily first, big eyes green and regretful, fixed on the stairs, gnawing anxiously at her lip. James was next to her, tapping his foot nervously, and lastly, as he reached the bottom of the stairs, was Peter, talking to one of the handsomest guys Remus had ever seen.  
He was tall, with broad shoulders and clear lilac eyes. His blonde hair was short and well-styled; his button up shirt and denim jacket fit him well, though still not as well as his tight jeans that hung low on his hips. Remus could see just the smallest stretch of tanned skin between his shirt and waistband. He looked like Remus might, if he didn't look like a drowned rat who had robbed a grandpa's closet at gunpoint.  
He lifted his eyes from Peter to look at Remus, and a wide, perfect smile spread across his face.  
“You must be Remus!” He strode purposefully across the room, arm out to hug Remus, but stopped when he saw the cactus. “I've heard so much about you. Sort of. I like your cactus, dude. That's cool.”  
“It's new,” he said warily, watching him with suspicion. He flicked his eyes to meet Lily's, but she skirted his gaze, regarding her hands in her lap with great interest.  
“How'd they get that ball on top?” he asked curiously, moving to touch it.  
Remus jerked it away. “It's a moon cactus, it grows that way.”  
“Ohh, that's cool, man,” he nodded. “I'm Antonin, by the way. Lily and James said you'd be coming. You're late, right?”  
“Yes,” Remus narrowed his eyes. “Traffic's bad. Are you in the band now?”  
“Me? Oh, no, I don't have a musical bone in my body,” he chuckled. “I'm just here for--” he broke off as someone came barreling down the stairs, knocking into Remus from behind. “Well, speak of the devil.”  
“Sorry, Remus,” Sirius muttered, and Remus stared at him for a moment before stepping aside so he could get by. He held a six pack of Cokes in his hands, and summoned a smile for Remus. “Want one? They're your favorite.” His smile turned sharp at that, and Remus ground his teeth together. You can't just decide to forget everything you know about someone, he wanted to say. No matter how much you want to, you can't just go from love to distance in one week flat.  
He stood beside Antonin, who wrapped an arm around his waist. Sirius smiled up at him, and Remus' stomach sank to the floor. When he stood on tiptoe to press a chaste kiss to Antonin's cheek, he felt weightless, as though a pit had opened up beneath him and he was plummeting into it.  
Four fucking days, Sirius, he thought. It's been four fucking days since I last saw you, and now this.  
He stared at them, dumbstruck, until Sirius looked away from him, pulling Antonin by the hand over to the couch. The same couch where he and Sirius had spent countless nights, pressed closer together than was really appropriate for friends, where they'd talked about their parents and futures and dreams in the darkness. It was amazing what could go unsaid and completely understood after the lights went out.  
Lily touched his shoulder and he turned to face her. She looked concerned and pitying as she gestured to his phone. “We didn't know he was coming,” she said softly. Remus didn't think it mattered how quiet she was, Sirius had set to tickling Antonin, and they were both shrieking with joyful laughter. They wouldn’t hear or notice a tornado ripping through the basement. Remus tried to remember the last time he'd heard Sirius laugh. “Sirius just showed up with him, we tried calling and texting—James said you didn't have to come, he'd understand. He wants to have a talk with Sirius about not being a total dick about this, but you know how they are.” She shrugged. Yeah, Remus knew. Sirius and James had always been close, James would drop it as soon as Sirius started looking sad about it.  
“Thanks, Lil.” He hugged her, clinging tighter than was maybe necessary. She let him, patting his back in understanding.  
“No problem, Remus,” she smiled at him. “Check your phone more often.”  
“Attention everyone, attention!” James clapped his hands together. “I have big news. You two,” he glared daggers at Sirius and Antonin on the couch, Sirius' knee between his leg. The tickling battle had turned into something that more resembled foreplay than anything else, and Sirius blushed scarlet, sitting up. Antonin followed suit. “We have a gig,” he told them. “In early March. And it's a big one, it's really gonna get us started, I think. Alice made some calls, and we're opening for Order of the Phoenix.”  
“What?” Peter gasped. “How the hell did we land that?”  
“Alice knows people,” James said sagely.  
“This is amazing,” Remus clutched at the strap of his satchel, a real smile breaking out. This was a break, a real one. This could really launch them on the folk punk scene.  
“I'm sorry, but,” Antonin raised his hand slightly. “Who are Order of the Phoenix, exactly?”  
“The biggest folk punk band in Phoenix,” Remus snapped, a bit too harshly, he was big enough to admit. “Not as big as Ramshackle Glory or their friends and stuff,” he allowed. “Just. Pretty big.”  
“Oh,” Antonin nodded, and Sirius shot Remus a filthy look. Remus ducked his head, scratching viciously at the hair brushing the nape of his neck.  
“Yeah, pretty huge,” James glared at Antonin. “Sirius, educate your friend, he's not allowed back into my basement until he's heard all four of their albums.”  
“Fine, fine,” Sirius waved at him grouchily, and said something to Antonin too quietly for Remus to hear. He brightened immediately, and Remus scowled.  
“We have to practice,” James grumbled. “Like, a thousand times a day. Every spare moment, we are practicing. I mean it. So let's get to it, Antonin just stay there.”  
“I'll be sure to look extra pretty,” Antonin promised Sirius. Lily made a gagging motion to Remus that made him smile despite himself.  
Remus spent practice in a daze, hands tracing familiar paths on his instruments for hours and hours and hours. James seemed disinclined to take much of a break, and the two they did take featured Lily and James standing in front of Remus, forming a wall so he couldn't see Sirius and Antonin at all. He never thought he'd be grateful to be shorter than all his friends, but here he was.  
At the end of the night, Peter distracted Antonin from trying to hug Remus goodbye and Sirius' eyes avoided Remus', which somehow hurt more than any of the little jabs he'd made all night. Lily carried his new cactus out with him, admired the new desert flower, and hustled him into his car when Antonin and Sirius came out of the Potters' house. As Remus pulled away, he watched Antonin slam Sirius against the side of the house, mouth claiming his greedily, and Sirius tilted his head to let Antonin suck a bruise into his neck. His open eyes watched Remus backing out, ignoring Lily storming towards them with murder clear on her face.  
Remus took a NyQuil as soon as he got home, shutting his eyes against the onslaught of unwelcome images assaulting his closed eyelids. He'd never get them out of his head, the picture of someone else claiming Sirius like that, Sirius' neck bare and stark against Antonin's possessive, blood red mouth.  
It wasn't as though Remus had never seen Sirius with anyone else, he'd had a fairly lengthy string of boyfriends when they were in high school, but this felt—different. Like Sirius was putting on a show for Remus, smug and self-satisfied in the knowledge that he was driving Remus absolutely mad.  
He pressed his face into the pillow, and waited until blissful, numbing unconsciousness claimed him.

Sirius stood off to the side, eyeing the crowd that they had just finished opening for. Adrenaline was still coursing through his veins, and he ripped his eyes away from the cheering crowds only to make sure that he put his bass away properly.   
“I’m telling ya, this will change everything!” James shouted over the cacophony of music going on just feet from them. It was good, sure. But Sirius was always one to think the Marauders had done a hell of a lot better. Sirius threw him a wide grin as he snapped up the case of his bass, swinging it over his shoulder.   
“Are we going to the Hog’s Head for some drinks?” He shouted to James, moving closer to him to hear him better.   
“Yeah, sounds brilliant actually,” James shouted back, and slipped away to find Lily. Sirius watched him go, shaking his head fondly. He wasn’t exactly sure where Remus had gone off to, but he would probably show up. Sirius kept himself from searching for him, reminding that he could no longer care for Remus the way he had before; he wasn’t his keeper anymore. Lily would message him or something if he was gone for too long.   
Just then Antonin burst backstage, enveloping Sirius in a bone crushing hug that caused all the air in his lungs to escape. He felt himself start to twist away, automatically trying to put space between him and the sudden offender.   
“That was fantastic! Oh my god Sirius, you looked absolutely ravishing out there,” Antonin shouted, clutching Sirius close no matter how he tried to twist away.   
“Thanks, babe,” Sirius said, working a smile onto his face as Antonin took his hand in his, leading the way further offstage.   
“Do you wanna head back early and, well, y’know,” Antonin made a sly blowjob motion with his hand and mouth, winking at Sirius.   
“Uhm. Well, I was going to our favorite bar first, to celebrate.” Sirius said dryly, fighting the sickening curl in his stomach. It wasn’t like Antonin wasn’t good-looking, or a bad guy. It was just that he wasn’t--  
Remus.   
James and Lily were with him, standing like a wall between Remus and Sirius so he couldn’t easily see Sirius and Antonin walking hand in hand. Sirius bit his lip absently, trying to decide what to do.  
“Hey, babe. Do you mind going to start the car? I want to congratulate Remus real quick,” Sirius said, forcing his tone to be light.   
“Of course, don’t wait too long,” Antonin said brightly, leaning over to give Sirius a quick peck on the lips before moving on. He brushed past James with a grunt, not even bothering to apologize anymore. Sirius remembered the first awkward dinner they had had together with the Potters, where Antonin had insulted Mrs. Potter’s indian cuisine.   
Looking back, James really looked like he wanted to deck Antonin right then and there.   
Well, the past was the past. Antonin was a jerk, to James, his family, and even Sirius these days, but if he was going to help Sirius get over Remus, then James would just have to suffer a little bit longer. Then he’d dump the asshole and find someone better. That was the plan, anyways. He made his way over to the trio, plastering an overjoyed smile on his face as he drew near.   
“Hey, Remus, you did great out there,” he burst out, and Lily turned to glance at him. Remus still gazed at the floor, and Sirius looked from him to James to Lily several times, before clearing his throat.   
“Yeah, you too, Sirius,” Remus said abruptly, before James or Lily could redirect the conversation as they had every time Sirius had spoken directly to Remus in the past few weeks, and shifted away from the wall, trudging down the long hallway with his accordion bag strapped to his back, hands shoved into his parka. Lily whirled around and glared at him, and he raised his hands up in a show of innocence.   
“I was honestly trying to be nice! What’d I do?” Sirius asked, a note of defensiveness creeping into his voice. It wasn’t his fault Remus turned around and ran off every five seconds!  
“You’re a dick, Sirius,” Lily said coldly, eyes narrowed as she turned away, storming off. James stood there for a moment longer, rubbing his jaw as he eyed Sirius for a moment.   
“You know she’s right,” James said finally, and turned, following on Lily’s heels.   
“Yeah, well, screw you guys anyway!” Sirius shouted after them. What a bunch of absolute dicks, going and taking the side of some pissbaby. He was sorely tempted to just go straight home and fuck Antonin senseless. But if he went to the bar, he would make everyone suffer, and that was much more worth it.   
Sirius waited a little longer before walking out of the many exits at the back of the venue. He waited for a moment, searching the cars for Antonin’s before the familiar vehicle screamed around a corner, screeching to a halt just in time for the passenger window to stop right in front of Sirius.   
“Lookin’ for a ride, sweetheart?” Antonin asked, rolling down the window and leaning against the passenger seat to grin crookedly at him. Sirius rolled his eyes fondly, smiling a little as he jerked the car door open, falling into the leather interior.   
It certainly had its perks, dating someone that wasn’t a self-martyring jerk. Well, to be fair, Remus and Sirius had never dated, but it was almost like they were, the way they spent their time together. Sirius bit the inside of his cheek, reminding himself to forget about him yet again. Instead, he turned up the volume on Antonin’s radio, and danced dramatically in the passenger side just to hear Antonin laugh as they drove to the bar.   
The Hog’s Head was possibly the only place in town that allowed them to drink underage, as long as they didn’t cause a ruckus and kept it on the downlow. The owner, an older man in his mid-fifties, doted on them. As long as there was a designated driver, he didn’t mind the arrangement they had going on. Not that Sirius ever drank. It reminded him of his father too much. Speaking of, neither did Remus most of the time. It usually took some goading on Sirius’ part to even get him slightly tipsy. Now he wondered if Remus had done that for his benefit, so he wouldn’t have to go home with someone drunk.   
Of course, Antonin would know none of that. Already twenty-one, he swaggered right into the place and proudly displayed his I.D., starting on his first beer of the night. Ignoring his rising anxiety, Sirius moved away, sitting on a bar stool.   
“The usual Dr. Pepper, for you and your friend, yes?” Aberforth said, looking crookedly at Sirius as he set the red can in front of him.  
“Uh, yeah,” Sirius mumbled, opening the can. Aberforth moved down the row to where Remus stood anxiously, very pointedly looking on as Aberforth gave him his Dr. Pepper. Remus took the can and moved away, to the table where Lily and James were sitting at. Sirius scanned the small bar for Antonin, and spotted him at the jukebox, taking quick sips of his beer as he flipped through the ancient machine.   
Several new newcomers swept into the bar and looked around dazedly, chattering excitedly among themselves before pointing animatedly to James, Lily, and Remus. They made a beeline right for the table, and Sirius smiled crookedly. It was strange, knowing they had groupies now. Peter trailed behind them, looking pleased with himself.   
“Didja have to tell them our favorite place?” He called to Peter. Peter grinned and gave Sirius a thumbs up in reply. Sirius shook his head in mock shame at Peter, turning back to nursing his soda dramatically.   
The night wore on slower than it usually did. Antonin came by every now and then, to check up on him, sometimes to even force a bit of a make out on the bar stool. Sirius found that it became harder and harder to push him away, the fumes on Antonin’s breath making him want to gag. But eventually he would wander off, to dance with a girl, or perhaps to snog someone else in the back of the bar.   
Not that Sirius cared. In fact, it really helped him feel sorry about himself, and the situation he had stuck himself in. He wished that he was with James and Lily, selfishly wishing that Remus would just go home already, slink off at the first opportunity he got the way he had the past few weeks.   
Although, he did mind when Antonin came near Remus, leaning against his chair and lowering his head to speak to him in a low voice. Sirius found getting himself up and out of his chair, crossing the crowded area.  
“Listen, I’ve seen how you’ve been looking at him,” Antonin was hissing. “Like a sad lovesick puppy. You can look and look all you want, because it sure as fuck won’t ever be you he’s going home with.” Remus looked shocked and hurt, hands rubbing together in his lap like he did when he was feeling overwhelmed, Sirius grabbed Antonin’s shoulder  
“Anontin, I think it’s time-” Sirius was cut off by Antonin whirling around, shoving Sirius away, his expression murderous.  
“Would you just back off for once, Sirius? For fuck sakes, if I wanted to be harassed by a whiny cunt like this, I would have brought my mother,” Antonin spat, pushing Sirius again.   
“We should go home, is all,” Sirius said softly, eyes wide in shock.   
“Hey, Antonin,” Remus said from behind, voice shaking, and Antonin spun around. It was almost graceful how Remus drew his arm back and punched Antonin straight in the nose, cracking it and sending Antonin reeling backwards.   
“Finally!” James said, jumping to his feet. Remus shook his hand out, a look of pain on his face, as if it hurt more to punch Antonin than it would’ve if he’d been the one to get hit. Antonin recovered with relative ease, and Sirius was frozen solid as Antonin punched Remus in the eye, sending him flying back into his chair. Lily screamed in shock, and James jumped up, getting between Antonin and Remus.   
“Just calm down, you hear?” James said, grabbing Antonin by the shoulders.   
“I’m going to fuckin’ kill him, I swear to god-” Antonin didn’t get to finish his sentence, as James hit him with a sidecut, and he fell like a ton of bricks.   
“That felt good,” James said lightly, turning away from Sirius to focus on Remus, who was being helped up by Lily from the floor.   
Sirius didn’t wait to see if Remus was okay, instead choosing to make a beeline for the exit. he just wanted out, away from whatever the fuck was going on.  
Sirius felt the cold air smack him in the face, a harsh relief to the stifling heat inside the bar. He wanted out of these clothes, this town, this skin of his. Sirius moved away from the bar entrance, hands shoved into his leather jacket as his long hair whipped in front of his face, getting caught in his eyelashes as he walked with long steps. God, he wanted a cigarette.   
He jerked to a stop, movements unnatural as he pulled out his pack. His hands shook as he lit the cigarette, the flame flickering in the unforgiving air. Sirius flicked the lighter off and settled for the warm embers of the cigarette as he took a deep lungful of smoke. He held it for as long as possible, wondering how many cigarettes a day it would take to kill him with cancer. Wouldn’t that be funny, if he ended up dying before Remus.   
“Hey! Sirius!” Remus called. Speak of the devil. Sirius turned around to catch Remus in the middle of running at him, his parka looking too large on his frail body as he drew to a stop. No, he didn’t want to die before Remus. He loved him. After all this time, he still did.   
“Hey, Remus,” he said shakily, taking another drag. Remus drew to a stop, standing about a foot away from him.  
“What was that? How long has he been doing that? Has he ever hit you before? Are you okay?” Remus said in a rush, eyes wide as he searched Sirius’ face for an answer.   
“Your eye is going to be bad,” Sirius said instead, tilting his head to the side a little as he judged Remus’ face.   
“Stop deflecting, Padfoot,” Remus said sternly. Sirius barked a laugh, taking another lungful of smoke before letting it go, long and slow. Yeah, he was calm enough to talk about it. As calm as he was ever going to be, having realized he was just as much of a sucker for fucked up men who liked to hit him, exactly like his mother.   
“I promised myself, you know. Back in highschool when I saw Mr. and Mrs. Potter just dancing in the living room while James and I washed the dishes. I promised myself I would have something like them,” Sirius lowered his head, kicking his foot against the concrete walkway.   
“I always wondered, how my mom ended up like that. With someone like him. But it’s so damn easy. One second you’re thinking that you could spend your life with this man, and the next he’s yelling at you for wanting to leave to hang out with your friends,” Sirius said.  
“Shit, Sirius. You’re not like your mom, or your dad. You’re much more than that,” Remus began, reaching out with his arm to touch his shoulder. Sirius jerked his arm away, on reflex.   
“I saw you as my father that night, Remus. Wherever I go, I can’t escape him.” Tears threatened to spill over in Sirius’ eyes, and he swallowed hard. “God damn it, Remus, why didn’t you ever learn to leave something alone? Why do you even care?”   
“Because I love you, Sirius, and I regret always jerking you around. I’ve been so afraid of me, I never considered you,” Remus said, jutting his jaw out as he spoke.   
“Do you honestly think I-that I’m just going to date you now? Because I got shoved around by some prick?” Sirius asked. He shook his head, dumbfounded. Remus really had some nerve, to go around and expect him to drop everything for him.  
“No, I don’t.” Remus said slowly, after some time. “I wouldn’t want you to. I think you’re right. This, whatever we have, won’t work out.”   
A hitch caught Remus’ throat, and Sirius suddenly wanted to punch something. Remus lowered his head to rub at his eyes with gloved hands, the very gloves that Sirius had gotten him for his birthday just a few weeks before their fallout. Why had he kept them, after all this time? He had other gloves, gloves that were thicker and warmer, nicer gloves, but he’d kept these ones, even as he avoided Sirius at every turn, moped around town like a kicked dog.  
Sirius discarded the cigarette on the pavement and reached, gently grasping Remus’ gloved hands in his own. Remus had insisted on cutting the finger coverings off so he could wear them all the time, and his fingers were ice cold as Sirius held them in the palm of his hands to warm them.  
“Listen, sweetheart. It will. I just need time, okay?” Sirius laughed a little at that. Just a week ago he was ready to jump Remus’ bones and get whatever this was between them over. But now. Now it just felt hollow. Whatever it was that was between them felt like glass about to shatter, and he was desperate to keep it, despite all that had happened. Remus looked up, face tear streaked.   
“You don’t have to do this, just cause I’m crying,” Remus mumbled, starting to draw his hands away. Sirius held his grip, pulling Remus forward and into a hug, squeezing him tight. Under all those layers Remus was nothing but skin and bone.   
“I’m doing this because I want to, Moony,” Sirius said earnestly, pulling out of the hug. He placed his fingers under Remus’ chin and tilted his chin up, studying Remus’ eyes before leaning in for a kiss. Remus’ lips were cold and chapped against his. Sirius drew away, a faint smile on his lips.  
“Does this mean I can call you my boyfriend?” Sirius asked tentatively. “I mean, when we’re both, uh, more ready.”  
“You can call me whatever you want,” Remus smiled, linking his hand in Sirius’ as they turned to walk back to the bar. Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand, and felt him squeeze back. A smile spread across his face, and he was still smiling when James and Lily called them over to go home. They had waited there, on the hood of James’ car for them to show up again.   
“Is Remus’ eye alright?” Lily called, worry clear in her tone.   
“Shit, you need ice on that,” Sirius said, wincing a little.   
“Oh, I don't care. It’ll look cool,” Remus said, grinning broadly at him.  
“Oh my god.” Sirius rolled his eyes, the smile not staying off his face for long.  
“Is everything, er, okay now?” James asked carefully, eyeing their linked hands for a moment before squinting at the pair of them suspiciously.   
“Oh, yes. Sirius and I are never speaking to each other again, and he wants my cacti every other weekend,” Remus said dryly.   
“I hope you’re ready to drive with a bunch of cacti in your car, James, because you’re the carpooler.” Sirius added on.   
“And here I was, telling Lily that I thought things were gonna work out.” James said, shaking his head tragically as he pushed off the hood of the car. “Come on, it's fuckin’ cold out and I still gotta drive Lily home.”   
Sirius paused, turning back to Remus.   
“Uh, will you be able to drive over okay with that eye of yours?” Sirius asked hesitantly. Remus was the one with the biggest car out of them, so that was where they put all their band equipment.   
“Yeah, yeah,” Remus waved him away, shrugging off his worries like old times.   
“You’re getting ice on that as soon as we get to the Potters, Remus,” Sirius warned, loosening his grip on Remus’ hand.   
“Who’s gonna make me?” Remus asked, a slight pout on his lips.   
James honked the car horn, and they both jumped.   
“I will.” Sirius said sincerely, pulling Remus into a tight hug before releasing him. Sirius got in the backseat, hardly noticing that Lily was riding shotgun as he craned his head to make sure that Remus got safely into his car.   
“Completely moonstruck,” James intoned in the front seat, and Lily stifled a laugh.  
Sirius didn’t even think to ask what had happened to Antonin. But he certainly remembered his bass.   
“Shit, my bass is in Antonin’s car.” He said suddenly, grabbing the headrest of James’, looking wide-eyed from James to Lily.   
“Oh, we took care of it.” Lily said lightly, throwing a smile in James direction. Sirius sat back, either unwilling or too tired to further inquire what Lily meant by ‘took care of it’.


	4. Chapter 4

Sirius collapsed on his bed dramatically, feeling content and at-home. He had missed the old posters and the general atmosphere of his messy room while staying with James. Mrs. Potter demanded a meticulous household, and while he was happy to oblige, sometimes a man just had to be a pig. That had ended up being one of the main reasons he moved back in with Remus. Besides the whole ‘we’re technically not a couple but if you asked’ situation. But that wasn’t the main reason, no, not at all.  
He sat up in bed a moment later, feeling the broken spring scratch at his back. He tore off the Sonic shirt he was wearing and threw it to the floor, telling himself he would wash it later. He got to his feet, shuffling into the living room to lay around on the couch instead. He had officially moved in yesterday, but Remus and him were still walking around on eggshells. It was if there was a giant Antonin shaped elephant in the room, and neither of them really knew how to address it.  
It wasn’t like Antonin had really shoved him around all that much. It had really been only that night at the bar that he could rationalize as actual abuse. There were smaller things, that if he saw happen to anyone else would prompt him to have a talk with them. But he was himself, and sometimes it was easier to live through something by playing it down instead of blowing it up out of proportion. Sirius was often dramatic, but this type of thing was something he had gotten used to toning down young.  
Speaking of Antonin, Sirius had gotten a series of text messages ranging from missing him to telling him he had to pay for his broken car window. He hadn’t responded to any of them, instead opting to block the number after the third unanswered call.  
Sirius really was bad at breakups. Or paying for broken windows. But that was technically Lily’s fault, not his. Sirius stared at the ceiling fan just above, wallowing in his own self pity for awhile. It was nice. No matter why Remus tended to do it so much. It seemed like he was doomed to be eternally in limbo with Remus, never quite sure what the other thought of him.  
Speaking of the devil, there was a scratching at the front door, and Remus shuffled in, looking especially festive in only one sweater and a scarf, but even that was consciously optimistic on Remus’ part. He was always certain there was yet another cold snap just waiting around the corner in March.  
“Welcome home, doll,” Sirius called from his place on the couch, taking out his phone to fiddle with it. No, he certainly was not waiting around for Remus like this. And no, he wasn’t checking to see Remus’ reaction to coming home to him lounging around on the couch shirtless. That was just ludicrous.  
“Hey, Sirius. How was work?” Remus said, shutting the door behind himself. He took a moment to rub at his eyes before walking right on past Sirius and into the kitchen, where he set his car keys.  
“I never want to touch a cherry slush again in my life,” Sirius said dramatically.  
“Oh, please. You just don’t like making them for yourself. Scoot over,” Remus said, leaning down from the side of the couch to push Sirius’ legs off the side. Sirius sat up, tucking his legs underneath him as he turned to face Remus.  
“That is definitely not true!” He said, pouting a little. Remus only rolled his eyes, a small smile spreading on his face.  
“What about your day, hmm? I bet yours didn’t make you hate your most favorite drink in the whole wide world,” Sirius continued, shifting the subject away from himself.  
“It was okay. I helped Mr. Weasley with his stock. He has some books that are older than this country, could you even imagine?” Remus said, eyes brightening a little.  
“I thought those were hundreds of dollars,” Sirius said.  
“Well, those are prime condition copies of popular novels. These are pretty worn down, but someone loved them at some point,” Remus said.  
“You’re a nerd,” Sirius said affectionately.  
“I am not,” Remus said, blushing a little as he leaned over the side of the couch. He grabbed a novel from somewhere on the other side, falling back onto the sofa with a groan as he clutched the paperback to his chest.  
“Don’t go under,” Sirius mumbled, resting his head against the sofa as he pulled out his phone. Remus made some grumbling comment that Sirius didn’t quite catch, as they fell into a familiar routine. The afternoon light made its lazy drag across the side of the couch as Sirius browsed through his phone, flippantly playing apps before checking the date on a whim.  
March seventh.  
That was three days until Remus’ birthday. Sirius’ head jerked up and he squinted at him, wondering why he hadn’t made a bigger deal about the proximity.  
“Sooo, moony,” He began as casually as possible, setting his phone aside.  
“Yes, Padfoot?” Remus asked, not even bothering to put away his book.  
“You never told me it was going to be your birthday in three days,” Sirius said, pressing a hand to his chest and popping his mouth open in a look that he hoped sold the fact that he was both shocked, and offended.  
“We’ve known each other for like, a decade Sirius,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. “Birthdays aren’t that important anyways.”  
“Yes they are! I’m calling Prongs right now. We’re gonna have a surprise party on the tenth,” Sirius said, navigating his phone in record time. Remus lunged for him, and Sirius pushed his foot into Remus’ chest, pushing him away as Remus scrabbled for the phone.  
“Hello?” James answered cautiously. He sounded like he was out of breath, which was definitely odd.  
“Hey, Prongsy! Didja know that Remus’ birthday is in a few days?” Sirius said brightly, letting out a little yelp as Remus pinched his calf. He pulled his leg away, giving Remus a wounded expression.  
“Uh-I mean, yeah,” James said, quite distracted as Sirius heard something odd in the background.  
“What’s going on in the background over there?” Sirius asked, holding a finger up to Remus just as he made a lunge for his phone. Remus fell back looking worried.  
“Nothing. Nothing is happening at all. Yup. I’ll talk to Lils about the birthday party, mhm,” James said. “I really gotta go, Sirius.”  
“Aww, okay,” Sirius said bleakly, hearing what he thought to be Lily’s voice in the background before James hung up.  
“Is everything okay?” Remus asked, wrapping his arms around Sirius’ calves, hugging his legs close to his chest as he watched Sirius closely.  
“Yeah, James just sounded really out of breath, which is odd, and Lily was there too. Telling him to hang the hell up already,” Sirius said, entirely oblivious.  
“Oh my god,” Remus groaned, sitting back.  
“What? I felt like it was quite rude of him,” Sirius complained, crossing his arms over his chest.  
“Sirius, you just cockblocked your best friend,” Remus said, laughing lightly. Realization dawned on Sirius face.  
“Oh, wait, are you serious?” Sirius exclaimed.  
“No, you are,” Remus said, grinning a little.  
“Shut up,” Sirius snapped, throwing the couch cushion at him. Remus caught the pillow, throwing it back.  
“What’d I do?” Remus asked.  
“You’re being mean, that’s what you are doing,” Sirius said, pouting as he turned away from Remus. He hugged the couch cushion to his chest and frowned, staring at the wall dramatically.  
“Oh, c’mon. It was funny,” Remus responded. They both sat in silence for a moment. Sirius marvelled at how normal it felt. Maybe it was because they were no longer tiptoeing around each other, or maybe they could finally act on the feelings they had kept buried for so long.  
Sirius cleared his throat.  
“So, uh. Do you want to go out to eat together tonight?” Sirius asked hesitantly. “We don't have to go anywhere fancy, I mean. Erm. Obviously.”  
“That sounds lovely,” Remus said in response, smiling at him softly.  
“Where do you want to go?” Sirius asked, lifting his hand to bite at his nails. He dropped his hand the second he noticed, wondering why the nervous habit had started up again.  
“Italian?” Remus said, dog-earing his book and setting it on the side of the couch.  
“Are you sure?” Sirius asked. He knew that he liked italian, but Remus, not so much. But that was just like him, to make sure he had a good time instead of himself.  
“Of course. I love pasta, so it’s a win-win,” Remus said brightly.  
“You know what, let’s make dinner at home this time around,” Sirius said. He didn’t have a huge desire to go out all dressed up nice with Remus. That felt like something couples did, and he had no idea where they stood. Besides, he refused to presume, since that had gotten them into their last fight.  
“Okay, I think we’ll have to go to the store though,” Remus said sheepishly, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. He opened it, checking that they had the money to make the venture.  
“We okay?” Sirius asked.  
“Yeah. Let me feed Newton and we can go. Put a shirt on,” Remus said, throwing him a look that was stuck somewhere between disapproval and something else that Sirius couldn’t quite place. Sirius got to his feet and trudged into his bedroom, where he dug around in the dirty clothes before deciding on something suitably punk rock.  
He wandered back out into the living room, putting on his shoes while Remus cooed to Newton about eating his calcium crickets.  
“Are we ready to go yet?” Sirius demanded, putting his hair up with the ponytail holder he had around his wrist.  
“Shush, he has delicate digestion,” Remus said, turning away from the tank. He crossed the room to Sirius and took his hand, fishing his car keys out of his pocket as he led the way to the front door. 

Remus was beginning to remember, as they strolled the aisles of the supermarket together, why he and Sirius didn’t often go grocery shopping together, instead electing to trade off. Sirius was absently pulling on one of the bobby pins holding his hair in place, glaring distrustfully at the amount of greens in their cart.  
“What are you even cooking?” He reached into the pile, emerging with a bag of brussel sprouts. He dropped them back in quickly, gagging dramatically.  
Remus rolled his eyes, reaching out to run his fingertips across Sirius’ shoulders as he passed by to inspect the selection of herbs. “Those aren’t for this, Padfoot,” he said absently. His stomach growled at him, prompting him to roll his eyes at himself. He didn’t eat much when he was sad, and even he had to admit that he’d been particularly hard on himself these past few weeks. “I’m restocking the fridge.”  
“We never have a stocked fridge,” Sirius exclaimed, disbelieving, and he wasn’t entirely wrong--Remus couldn’t remember the last time there was more than the very basics of living in their kitchen.  
“Yeah, well, I’m hungry these days,” Remus snorted, shaking his head. Usually when Sirius was hungry, he’d root around between the couch cushions for change and walk to the nearest Taco Bell for a one dollar taco, which wasn’t an option for Remus.  
He’d felt a pang in his chest, only last night, watching Sirius perform the usual scavenging ritual, remembering all the meals he’d watched Antonin buy Sirius, without even having to check his wallet first. Guilt, at not being able to provide the very basics that even the shittiest person on the planet could give him.  
But Sirius didn’t seem to be suffering at the moment, bouncing on the balls of his feet in front of a display of cherries. “Hey, Moony, did you know that I can tie a knot with my tongue?” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.  
Remus rolled his eyes. “No, you can’t.”  
“You ruin all my fun,” Sirius pouted, continuing along to inspect the selection of salad dressings.  
Remus finally stood with two bags of herbs, dragging Sirius away from the banana display before he could get any ideas there. They collected the pasta and ingredients for the sauce, picking up a few odds and ends--“Remus you would literally die without me, I was gone for a month and when I come back the only food that isn’t spoiled is one jar of peanut butter, for God’s sake.”--and Remus spent the duration of the shopping pretending that his eyes weren’t at all lingering on Sirius’ ass or, even more embarrassingly, his hand, which Remus ached to reach out and hold again. The walk from their front door to the car had been the most amazing and terrifying journey he’d ever taken, hand desperately entwined in Sirius’ like it was a lifeline.  
They checked out quickly, and both of them winced at the total, but luckily Remus had been spending very little of the money he was making while Sirius was gone, so he had two paychecks that had only bills and a bit of gas money taken out of it, and while that wasn’t insignificant, it was better than usual.  
The drive home was oddly anxious, both of them jittery and unsure of themselves, which felt like foolishness to Remus--they’d always lived in this grey area between together and not, and it ought to have been easier now--both of them knew now that, at the very least, they both liked each other, but instead it just felt fraught. He wasn’t entirely sure what they were holding out for, why they hadn’t made themselves official yet, but he suspected it was because of his own willingness to give Sirius space, for once, instead of pestering him for every detail about his inner thoughts.  
They unloaded the groceries in this unnatural, nervous silence, putting everything away but the ingredients for the tortellini.  
“You’re the better cook,” Remus pointed out at last, gesturing to the collection of ingredients, and Sirius grinned at him.  
“I’m glad you agree,” he said sagely, plucking the folded recipe out of Remus’ pocket by the little exposed corner, and examined it seriously. At last, he put a pot on to boil, gesturing to Remus with a spoon. “You, sit on the counter, look pretty, and hand me things when I ask for them.”  
Remus gave a little mock salute, lifting himself onto the counter, and watched Sirius whirl around, his hair growing increasingly messier as time wore on.  
When it was evident he was nearing the end, Remus went to set the table, even finding the placemats Lily bought them as a homecoming gift. There was a bottle of wine somewhere around, he knew, but he didn’t expect that either of them wanted to drink overmuch.  
He listened to the wet sound of pasta being mixed from the kitchen and hurried to the bathroom, feeling like a fool as he checked his messy, unkempt flop of hair. He shut the door, scowling at his thin, pale face, and tried to fix his hair as well as he could, listening to Sirius rummage around in his room for a few minutes.  
Suddenly, an ugly sweater felt like a very poor choice, which was absurd, because he and Sirius weren’t going out and he and Sirius weren’t even together, technically, and he wasn’t even sure if Sirius actually wanted to be, which was a possibility.  
He leaned against the sink, taking long, steady breaths to calm down before things escalated into further absurdity, and after a while, heard a tentative knock on the door.  
“Remus? Everything okay?” Sirius asked.  
“Yes, everything’s fine!” he called back, voice oddly pitched. He took one last moment to look at himself in the mirror and flip himself off before opening the door and stepping out in the hall.  
Sirius had changed, though not drastically, he had only put on a plain grey shirt that looked clean, and had refixed his bun, but the fact that he went to any effort at all to look nicer--especially putting on a grey shirt, a color he knew Remus liked on him--made everything feel even stranger. He smiled at Remus, his drawn brow betraying his own nervousness. He nervously bit at his cubicle, turning around to lead the way into the kitchen. Remus served himself and Sirius in silence, and after a few moments of shuffling around, they settled at the table.  
“Thank you for cooking,” he murmured around a mouthful of tortellini. “It’s really, really good.”  
“No problem,” Sirius said, and his voice sounded too forcefully cheerful to ease any of Remus’ fears. “I’m glad you like it.”  
Remus nodded, keeping his eyes studiously fixed on the table in front of him.  
“So,” Sirius said nonchalantly, several minutes later. “I think we should, er. Address the elephant in the room, so to speak.”  
Remus glanced up at him, nodding. “Yes, I think we should.” He took a long, hard swallow of his water, and finally gathered the courage to ask, “What, exactly, are we?”  
“I guess that depends on what you want to be,” Sirius said, chewing anxiously at his bottom lip.  
Yours. “I don’t know,” Remus lied. “I’m happy with, with whatever you’re most comfortable with. You’re the one fresh out of a relationship.”  
Sirius snorted. “Don’t remind me. I mean it, though, what do you want to be?”  
“Er,” Remus replied, cleverly. “Whatever you’ll give me, honestly.” He poked at his food, finding suddenly that his appetite had evaporated. The food in his stomach settled like a weight.  
“If I just wanted to be friends?” Sirius asked, and Remus nodded without looking at him. “If I wanted--if I’d like to be your boyfriend?”  
“Is that something you would really want?” Remus’ voice was barely above a whisper, his heart felt like it was going to explode out of his chest. “To be my boyfriend?”  
“If it’s something you’d want,” and Remus almost laughed at it, how they both evaded each other, giving half-answers and dancing around the real purpose.  
“Please give me a straight answer,” he sighed, exasperated. “I’ve made my feelings clear, I think, so it’s--it’s whatever you’re willing to do.”  
“You think you’ve made your feelings clear?” Sirius snorted. “I never know what’s going on in your head, and you’re the one who decided that we shouldn’t be together.”  
“Yeah, but that was for you,” Remus pointed out. “It wasn’t what I wanted, I just. I wanted to protect you.”  
“I know,” Sirius said gently. “But I really don’t know how you feel about us. I’ve told you, I love you. I’ve told you so many times. You know where I’m at.”  
“Sirius,” Remus finally met his eyes. “I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world, you know that. I’m sorry if that wasn’t as clear to you as it is to me.”  
“You live too much in your head, you dope,” Sirius said affectionately, his grin wider than Remus had ever seen. “So--so you feel the same way. That’s…”  
“Good?” Remus asked hopefully, and Sirius beamed at him.  
“Yes,” he nodded. “Very good.”  
“So, are we…” Remus trailed off, and Sirius reached across the table to take his hand.  
“Together,” he agreed. “If that’s what you want.”  
“It is,” Remus smiled shakily. “If you’re sure that it’s all okay, what we talked about.”  
“Of course it’s okay, Moony,” Sirius rolled his eyes, and Remus squeezed his hand, glad that, for the first time in a while, the nickname felt as natural and light as air instead of a deadweight. “I meant it when I said it was worth it.” He gave him a reassuring smile before pulling his hand back to continue eating, and Remus’ appetite returned to him with the lightened mood.  
He had been ravenous since Sirius returned, more so now that things were settled between them and they were finally together. He finished before Sirius, which was a rare and miraculous occasion, and waited anxiously for his friend--boyfriend--to follow suit. He was nervous, there was no doubt about that, uncertainty thick and cloying in his throat. What was to come next, he wasn’t sure, and he gave Sirius an anxious smile when he finally finished his plate.  
They washed dishes side by side in nervous silence, trading lingering looks and touches. When the dishes were finished, Remus stood anxiously next to the sink, wringing his dish towel in his hands, until Sirius gave him a patient smile, took the dishrag from him, and placed it on the counter. He took Remus’ hand, leading him into the living room and plopping down on the couch, dragging Remus with him.  
“What do you want to watch?” he asked idly, flipping through the channels.  
“I dunno,” Remus murmured, watching as Sirius pulled the hair-tie out of his hair to redo his bun. His long, thin fingers sliding through inky black waves, twisting it back up. It had always been a distraction, but now, with the acute knowledge that he could actually do something about it buzzing beneath his skin, it was so much more. “Jupiter Ascending?”  
“Sure,” Sirius grinned at him, as if he knew exactly what he was doing to Remus, and reached over to drag him closer so that his head rested on Sirius’ shoulder. He dragged a hand lazily through Remus’ hair, pushing it up and then smoothing it back down again. Every now and then, his hand snagged on a tangle and pulled slightly, making Remus jerk a little, eyes squeezing shut and mouth falling open in pleasure. Whatever had been between them for months, years, seemed amplified now. Everywhere his skin touched Sirius tingled, and he shivered, lifting up into Sirius’ touch almost unconsciously.  
He lost track of time, overwhelmed by the smell of Sirius, his warm body pressed against Remus’, his hands gliding through Remus’ hair, until finally, Remus felt a hard jerk that didn’t feel at all accidental, and he snapped up, disbelief plain on his face, about to scold Sirius for instigating, remind him that they couldn’t do anything rash, but he was cut off by Sirius’ mouth crashing against his. His lips were warm and chapped and greedy, like he was trying to devour Remus whole, and Remus pushed back, biting at Sirius’ lip until he groaned and submitted, bared teeth and wicked tongue replaced by an open and pliant mouth.  
Remus took the opportunity to swing one leg across Sirius’ lap, settling his weight on Sirius’ legs so that he was straddling him, affording him the best position to press open-mouthed kisses along Sirius’ jaw and stopping at his neck, sucking and biting a dark bruise into the delicate, pale skin there.  
He leaned back, smiling triumphantly at his work, which was already darkening into blue-black. Sirius raised a hand to his neck, pressing on it, and winced a little. His pupils were blown wide, lost eyes staring into Remus', and he surged forward, almost knocking Remus off his lap, seizing his face between his hands, and fell backwards, sucking on Remus' lip until he moaned.  
Remus licked into his mouth, determined to erase any trace of Antonin left, a flood of anger and possessiveness rising in him. Sirius was, had always been, would always be his, and Antonin had taken him, treated him like he wasn't better than Antonin could ever even hope to be, like he wasn't better than anyone could dream of being. In that moment, Remus wanted to kill him, almost as much as he had when he'd shoved Sirius in the bar.  
“Remus,” Sirius moaned, his mouth breaking away from Remus'. He arched against Remus, hands falling to cradle Remus' narrow hips. “I—I want--”  
Remus' heart constricted painfully, snapping him out of the moment. He looked away, jaw working. “I want it too,” he whispered. “But—you know we can't. We talked about this, Sirius. You said—you said you were okay with it.”  
“I am,” Sirius sat up slightly, almost dislodging Remus, and one hand brushed Remus' hair away from his face, the other's thumb rubbing gentle circles into his hip that were just a little too close to his groin to be comforting. “But you can touch me—there's no reason you couldn't,” and he sounded desperate, the high, breathy tone attracting Remus' eye again.  
He already looked like he'd been ravaged, his bun messy and mostly hanging around his face again, a beautiful, harsh bruise blossoming high on his neck, and Remus' cock twitched at the sight.  
“Please, Remus,” Sirius pleaded, and Remus smiled a little, sliding one hand under Sirius' shirt to sit just above his waistline. He moaned, low and guttural, lifting into the touch. His hand went from Remus' hair to his jaw, weakly pulling him into an open-mouthed kiss that was mostly just breathy pleas. “Please, please, please, Moony, I need you,” his begged, and Remus smiled, sliding his hand lower to slowly stroke the bulge in Sirius' pants over his jeans. His head fell sideways as his groans transitioned into higher-pitched, desperate whimpers.  
“If you're sure,” Remus murmured, and Sirius looked at him quickly, eyes wide, and Remus' smile widened. “Come on, Sirius.” He stood up, taking him by the hand and leading him down the hall into Remus'--their--bedroom.  
Sirius fell back on the bed, Remus clinging to the front of his shirt as he followed suit. They tousled for a few moments, fighting until Remus slid a leg between Sirius’ legs, and he went slack. Remus loomed above him, eyes fixed on the mottled bruise on his neck, reveling in the knowledge that he had put that there, him, with his mouth and teeth and tongue, marked Sirius as his own while he squirmed and begged for Remus to touch him, knowing that Sirius would walk around with it for days and everyone who saw him would know he belonged to Remus, with Remus. He felt hungrier than he'd ever been then, like Sirius was a five-course meal and he was starving. He wanted to claim Sirius, wanted to fuck him until he screamed so loud the neighbors filed a noise complaint, but he supposed he'd settle for jerking him off. Sirius squared his jaw, clearly seeing triumph in Remus' face.  
“What are you gonna do, Moony?” He asked, narrowing his eyes as he watched Remus closely for any sort of reaction. A hot flare of anger swelled in his chest at the challenge, and he lunged forward, claiming Sirius' mouth with his own. Sirius let out a little moan as Remus bit down on his lower lip, tugging gently. Sirius threaded his fingers through Remus’ hair and pulled, and Remus gasped, grinding against him.  
Remus pulled away begrudgingly, knowing he couldn't lose control, and Sirius let out a whine of disappointment. Remus laughed, brushing his hair out of his eyes as he looked down at Sirius.  
“I think, I’d like to make you cum,” Remus said thoughtfully, his voice slow and distinct.  
“Please,” Sirius whispered, closing his eyes.  
‘Are you going to beg for it?” Remus teased, and Sirius grinned.  
“Oh, Moony. You know I would,” Sirius said softly, grabbing his arm and pulling him close. They kissed gently while Remus’ hand roamed. Remus' fingers trail across his navel, sliding under his shirt and moving, open palmed against his flesh. Sirius moaned against Remus’ mouth, hips thrusting uselessly.  
Remus ran his hands all along Sirius’ body, teasing him as he found the spots that made Sirius shiver, ache, and cry out with a startled gasp that made Remus laugh a little at his reactions.  
“God damn it, you tease,” Sirius burst out, grabbing Remus’ wrist and wrenching it away from his chest, and bringing his hand to his pants.  
“Bossy.” Remus murmured instead, resting his head on Sirius chest as his hand undid Sirius’ pants, sliding them down so they were around his thighs. Remus took him into his hand, and Sirius bucked, letting out a quiet whimper.  
Remus gave a little laugh, and Sirius shut his eyes tight. “Maybe some day you'll do it with your mouth,” Sirius breathed, and began to speak again, but his words turned incoherent as Remus began to stroke Sirius, slow and arduous. Sirius' hand scraped along his back, carving stinging red marks along his spine, the other hand clutching uselessly at the bedsheets, whimpering and gasping whenever Remus picked up his pace. At last, his moans turned breathier and led into whines as he came hard, letting out a strangled cry.  
Remus sat up and kissed Sirius, smiling against his mouth. Sirius lazily rested a hand against Remus back, kissing him like they had all the time in the world.  
“That was amazing.” Remus said, after they had broken apart. Sirius snorted in laughter, sitting up to tear off his shirt. He used it to wipe the cum up, and kicked his jeans off the rest of the way as he did so.  
“Yeah, yeah.” Sirius said softly, standing and kicking around in Remus’ room until he found some pajama bottoms. Remus watched him in total adoration as he shoved them on without bothering to find underwear.  
“Er, do you want me to return the favor, or…” Sirius trailed off, making a jerking off motion with his hand.  
Remus dropped his head, laughing a little before glancing back up at Sirius.  
“No, silly. Just come to bed,” Remus said, smiling crookedly at him. His heart swelled with affection for this silly, dorky boy.  
“Okay,” Sirius said softly, and crawled onto the bed, where Remus welcomed him with open arms. They fell asleep together with Remus holding him close to his chest, hands running through his hair. 

For the first time in a long, long time, Sirius woke up content. There were no aches, or pains, or things he was trying to forget about today. And the best part was that Remus laid right beside him. Sirius sat up and leaned over, kissing Remus’ cheek softly.  
“You need to shave,” Sirius whispered in his ear. Remus groaned and reached back blindly, swatting Sirius away before bringing a pillow over his head to douse out the light. Sirius laughed lightly, rubbing his chin.  
Speaking of needing to shave, he was no exception. Sirius somehow found the will to get out of the warm bed and into the bathroom where he showered quickly and shaved. He drifted to his own room afterwards to find a clean set of clothes, blessing whatever god it was that allowed him a day off today. It was the perfect time for him to prepare for Remus’ birthday. Which meant he got to call James. Speaking of which, where the hell was his phone?  
Sirius moved out of his bedroom and to the couch, rooting among the couch cushions in a familiar ritual. He let out a curse when he found it sitting on the counter, just mere feet from where he had been frisking the couch for the better half of five minutes.  
He tried to turn it on, but the no battery screen flashed instead. With a huff, he walked back into Remus’ room, stooping beside the bed to find the charger cable. He plugged his phone in and told the Remus-shaped cocoon on the bed to let him know if anyone messaged, which was greeted with a pained groan, and finally turned to the living room, deciding to tackle the monolith of dishes that had piled up from last night. He set to work with a vengeance, scrubbing dried sauce off the plates with an expert hand. He had spent a few months when he was sixteen working as a dishwasher at a Steak and Shake. Sirius had lost the job because of Bellatrix, but that was a whole other story, plus a couple of fish.  
Still, the temporary job had left him with an ingrained skill of cleaning dishes quickly and effectively, and he stacked them back into the cupboards, humming softly to himself as he went along.  
“Hey, Sirius,” Remus called from the bedroom, and Sirius shut the cupboard quietly, returning to Remus’ room.  
“Hey, doll. Just doing some chores,” Sirius said cheerfully, resting his head against the doorframe. Remus was sitting up in bed, squinting at Sirius’ phone with a confused expression.  
“Did James send something?” Sirius asked, crossing over and sitting on the bed beside Remus.  
“No...there’s some number texting you about your dad,” Remus said instead, voice hollow as he passed Sirius his phone.  
“Pssh, I’ll just block the number,” Sirius said off-handedly, scrolling through the texts. He rested his shoulder against Remus’ as he did so, pure dread filling him as realization sunk in.  
The number was Regulus’. He hadn’t bothered to save the phone number into his contacts, assuming he would be blocked. But he recognized it anyway, and two months later, here he was, like the harbinger of some hellish news.  
Which was ironic, since Sirius’ dad turned out to have died. For a brief, bizarre moment, Sirius wondered if his dad had sensed the fact that his son was having gay sex, and had a heart attack in response.  
“Well, thank God he’s gone,” Sirius said lightly, glancing at Remus out of the corner of his eye. He didn’t like the worried look Remus had, as if he was trying to figure out if he should be comforting Sirius over his father’s death. Sirius looked away. He didn’t...he wasn’t going to mourn someone like his father. There just wasn’t enough respect to even warrant feeling sad over his passing.  
“What’s going to happen to Regulus?” Remus said quietly.  
“What d’you mean?” Sirius asked. He had shut off the screen after reading Regulus’ message about his father’s death. The kid loved spamming important information in short spurts.  
“One of his texts mentioned he wanted out of the house,” Remus said. “He wants to come stay here.”  
“Fucking christ,” Sirius groaned, falling back onto the bed. He unlocked his phone once more and scrolled through the texts, and sure enough, there it was. His very own kid brother asking to crash at his place. Just for a few days, Regulus had asked. But that was exactly the kind of thing Sirius had told James.  
He was definitely not prepared to raise his own brother.  
“He has to come over, Sirius. You can’t just say no.” Remus said eventually, although he didn’t sound much happier than Sirius. Remus fell back onto the bed beside him, staring up at the ceiling.  
“I know, I know,” Sirius said, sighing. He began to type in the address of the house, slow and methodic.  
“I can sleep on the couch, and Regulus can have my bed,” Sirius said, sending the message. “I--er. I just don’t feel very comfortable, sleeping with you when he’s around.”  
Sirius felt Remus stiffen beside him, and Sirius shut his eyes. Already he could feel them splitting apart, just when things were getting better.  
“Just for a few days. I swear it,” Sirius said, sitting up in bed. He got up, bending down to start picking up all the dirty clothes. He would have to do a few loads to even make a dent in the mess, and probably vacuum the floors…  
“A few days.” Remus echoed, an odd premonition to what was to come.  
“Yeah. And I won't even go to the funeral either. No moping, I promise.” Sirius said, ducking out of the bedroom and into the hallway. He opened the double doors that housed the washer and dryer, opening the washer to dump the clothes in before shutting it. They had no detergent. Sirius shrugged, setting it on hot water. A little steam could kill anything, right?  
“Sirius,” Remus began, and Sirius fled into the living room to hunt down the vacuum cleaner.  
“It’s okay to be upset about your dad’s death. He might’ve been shitty, but you still lost someone,” Remus continued. Sirius wished he’d shut the hell up, or maybe he could just find the vacuum cleaner for once.  
“Just. I’m going to go take a shower, alright? And if you ever want to talk about it, I’ll be there,” Remus said, voice calm and certain.  
“Yeah, I know Moony. When I’m ready,” Sirius said finally, facing Remus. Remus watched him closely for a moment before nodding. He turned to go to the bathroom, and Sirius resumed his search of the vacuum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please send all comments and questions to me on [my tumblr](http://starameter.tumblr.com/) c:

**Author's Note:**

> please direct all comments to me at http://starameter.tumblr.com/ c:


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